i miss home

                     It's almost seven in the evening here, but the sky still has some light in it. I always said to myself when I first got here that maybe there was some mistake with the time, six a.m. sure looks and feels like four a.m. and seven p.m. is still as bright as past five in the afternoon. Church bells are ringing, the room is awfully quiet, and I'm all alone trying to be inspired. Posts on facebook about the semester coming to an end are endless, and I somehow feel left behind by the world. Well, technically left behind by my classmates and friends. I cope by telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but when I think of the worst feeling, I ask what the hell is the reason anyway? I guess for everything there's a price, and the price that I had to pay to come here was of so much worth that I'm bothered whenever I remember that I was supposed to enroll this year. Ugh, people always tell me that in the end everything will just fall into place, well, when will that end be? Time just seems to stop right at the moment when you want to fast forward to the future, and time flies fast when you want it to be dead slow. The world is so unfair. I never thought that when I'd come here I would have to literally sacrifice my friendship and relationship with the people that I love. I thought it'd be so easy since I'd been moving for most of my life and everywhere I went I always had a soul to touch, or a person to reach out to even with cultural differences, and language barrier-- I thought wrong. Even my own race seems distant from me, and it's just so hard to relate to everything else. I know that I'm just new here, and everybody has their own adjusting phase, but why does mine have to be so difficult? I mean, we're all just humans, and in one way or another we relate with each other, but I just don't. Whenever there's a moment for me to relate language always gets in the way, or culture, or upbringing, and I was brought up to be flexible in everything and with everyone, and not being able to just gets me frustrated. The only thing I could ever do right is to smile, at least that connects me with people, aside from that, nothing-- words just seem to get away from me, even emotions. But I am trying, I'm trying so hard to adjust, and to cope, and to fit in. But being myself doesn't seem to fit in this world, I'd have to be somebody else. Ironic how I was always the one to tell other people that being yourself at all times would make you fit in, and now being myself doesn't actually fit me in. Maybe for some they'd fit in perfectly, but when you're like me whose so slow at relating to green jokes, and reading between the lines, better find other people who are as slow as you. lol. I actually just miss my friends, the friends who loved me for being slow, the friends who laughed at my stupidity but cherished me all the more, the friends who taught me little by little the things that everybody has to learn someday but not criticizing me along the way, the friends who listened to my every whim but never forced anything on me, to my friends who will read this, I miss you guys! I miss school, and I miss being with people who bring out the best in me.

going away

                I don't even know where to start. I've been wanting so much to do a quick update on the fast track of events happening in my life, but I fail every time I think about the words to say. First things first though, I want to thank God for the faithfulness He has manifested in my life, and in my walk with Him. I never would have imagined the last week to be so blissful and just so fast-- like thunder and lightning. I never would have thought I would build relationships with people I now call friends much less be saddened by my own going away trip. It does bug me that I have to leave right away-- but God does have the perfect timing for everything in our lives. And though I may not know why or how, I know that in all things I can trust Him. The days from now, feel like a sleep away and everything just seems to pass by so fast, I feel like I am pressured to keep up! Yes, I am going to Rome. I have finished all that there is to finish regarding the requirements, the documents, and I am therefore eligible for travel. Yey! Sounds cool and exciting right? Well, it is actually, but believe it or not, I am somehow having the pre-departure blues. I know in my heart that God is actually taking me to a whole new level (again), but you know that feeling when you've just made yourself feel so comfortable in a group, and you still want to make plans of hanging out, getting to know everyone deeper, but you can't because reality checks in, and you find yourself realizing that you've got less than a week to prepare. It somehow sucks. Honestly. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am leaving, it's like, wow, finally, after almost a decade in a teenager's time table, I get to do what I should have done four months ago. But, in four months a lot of things happened, plans changed, circumstances were different, and I met new friends, I found a new family aside from my own, and when finally I could feel that I belonged, that I was enjoying myself in a new environment, that I was actually happy being used for His greater glory-- snap! I have to leave. Just like that. No warnings, no signs, no everything, just the fact as it is. Three years ago I could have sworn I'd have groaned at the fast transition, but now, although I may be tempted to do so, although I do find it unfair at times, the knowing deep inside that I am where I am supposed to be, right at the exact moment of my life, gives me greater peace and joy because I know in Him nothing could go wrong. If I will meticulously analyze every change, every turn, and every step that I took, it would slowly start to sink in me that everything happens for a purpose, everything we do in Him would always bear fruit in the near or far future and even in the days to come. It has always been like that. Given all this, instead of wallowing in the corner, for the friends I will leave behind, and the ministries I have to take a break from, I praise God! I still praise Him for giving me all that I have now, and all that's in store for me ahead. Right now, I'm just thinking of my mom, and God knows how much she needs me, and I her. It's been a year since I last saw her, and the year ago was the first time I have seen her for five long years. Yes, five years, was actually that long for me! And now God is giving me another chance to see her, except this time instead of her coming to me, it's the other way around! God is just so awesome! I just pray that the rest of our family gets to have a chance to see her again too by every means possible. I honestly don't know what I'd be doing days from now especially when I'm at the airport, I have never traveled abroad, this will be my first time, and I am a bit scared, but, again, I know I shouldn't be. Guess you really can't help those pre-boarding jitters. Updates soon! I will miss you guys! credits to the ones who took these photos :)

a timely restoration

               Okay, so like I'm supposed to be in a hurry right now, typing this and stuff because I have an exam on Philosophy tomorrow and I haven't opened my book yet-- which I should have by the way--  but, running out of words to say is what is keeping me from progressing on this piece I'm writing right now. I don't know where to start with my story, should I be like "Guess what? R and I are friends…" or should I start with "Well after quite some time, he finally responded to my effort.." I mean, seriously? I shouldn't even be having this argument in my head with what starting line to use. Okay so back on the topic, YES, we are now friends (just friends, and no, we don't have that special something going on, or that we-fall-in-love-with-each-other-all-over-again feeling-- we are just your everyday-casual-friends). Well, the night I called and sent the last text message I was supposed to send to him, I prayed to God, I prayed that He would enlighten R's mind, or help him in whatsoever way to put past him the hurt and the pain, to help him move on, et cetera. I told God, that He above anyone else knew how I really felt, and that if it's not His will that we be friends again, then I asked Him to take away the guilty feeling that I have had for the past three years, I was like: "This is just too much, this has gotten way over, I don't want a part of this anymore if this really has no contribution to my life, if this is just a passing feeling then I don't want it, I don't want to be guilty over something I shouldn't be fussing over in the first place"-- that's what I told Him. Then, the day after, my prayer got answered. R texted me, actually he apologized for failing to respond to the earlier messages because he said he had no load and furthermore he was listening when I called so, that's it, that's what he said and when I saw his name appear on my phone with the icon of a new message, I was like jumping and screaming all around the house. I can't believe what I actually felt, it was like WOW, finally! I mean, I gave up on trying to reach out already, I gave it to God because I couldn't handle the situation anymore. And now He was like delivering what I was asking for right at my very own doorstep. So in other words, R and I texted, we talked about his life and mine, how we had grown over the years. I told him I wanted to say sorry, but we'd have to talk two years from now since I'd be going to Rome this summer, he was okay with that. He told me he had moved on with his life, that he's now okay, and that we should do the same-- just forget about the pain in the past. He mentioned he had a "girlfriend" or in his words "what-seemed-like-a-girlfriend"-- because he argued that the relationship wasn't really that serious because he didn't court the girl, actually he doesn't court girls anymore, he believes sweet talking is the key to win them over-- I disagreed of course, but I didn't tell him that, because in a way he had a point, I do want to be courted but there's a part of me that wishes my future relationship shouldn't be that complicated (with the courting and all). I believed him when he said he's fine now, I believe everything he says, but he said that although it's all in the past now, he has the right to know what happened back then just for the sake of knowing and I was more than willing to tell him, just not now because I can't fly all the way there to tell him-- I want it to be personal because that's what he deserves, it's the least I could do after all the lies he thought he believed. He has changed-- a lot-- and I have too, but there's still that chemistry we had back then, when although we are characters apart, we can still relate with each other. So that's it, we're not really in constant communication with each other, I'm okay with that. I believe in our new friendship, besides I also believe God has a purpose why suddenly after three years he allows someone from my past to pop back into my life again. Don't you think?

-- God would always bring people to our lives, for us to touch their lives, and for them to touch our lives.