a timely restoration

               Okay, so like I'm supposed to be in a hurry right now, typing this and stuff because I have an exam on Philosophy tomorrow and I haven't opened my book yet-- which I should have by the way--  but, running out of words to say is what is keeping me from progressing on this piece I'm writing right now. I don't know where to start with my story, should I be like "Guess what? R and I are friends…" or should I start with "Well after quite some time, he finally responded to my effort.." I mean, seriously? I shouldn't even be having this argument in my head with what starting line to use. Okay so back on the topic, YES, we are now friends (just friends, and no, we don't have that special something going on, or that we-fall-in-love-with-each-other-all-over-again feeling-- we are just your everyday-casual-friends). Well, the night I called and sent the last text message I was supposed to send to him, I prayed to God, I prayed that He would enlighten R's mind, or help him in whatsoever way to put past him the hurt and the pain, to help him move on, et cetera. I told God, that He above anyone else knew how I really felt, and that if it's not His will that we be friends again, then I asked Him to take away the guilty feeling that I have had for the past three years, I was like: "This is just too much, this has gotten way over, I don't want a part of this anymore if this really has no contribution to my life, if this is just a passing feeling then I don't want it, I don't want to be guilty over something I shouldn't be fussing over in the first place"-- that's what I told Him. Then, the day after, my prayer got answered. R texted me, actually he apologized for failing to respond to the earlier messages because he said he had no load and furthermore he was listening when I called so, that's it, that's what he said and when I saw his name appear on my phone with the icon of a new message, I was like jumping and screaming all around the house. I can't believe what I actually felt, it was like WOW, finally! I mean, I gave up on trying to reach out already, I gave it to God because I couldn't handle the situation anymore. And now He was like delivering what I was asking for right at my very own doorstep. So in other words, R and I texted, we talked about his life and mine, how we had grown over the years. I told him I wanted to say sorry, but we'd have to talk two years from now since I'd be going to Rome this summer, he was okay with that. He told me he had moved on with his life, that he's now okay, and that we should do the same-- just forget about the pain in the past. He mentioned he had a "girlfriend" or in his words "what-seemed-like-a-girlfriend"-- because he argued that the relationship wasn't really that serious because he didn't court the girl, actually he doesn't court girls anymore, he believes sweet talking is the key to win them over-- I disagreed of course, but I didn't tell him that, because in a way he had a point, I do want to be courted but there's a part of me that wishes my future relationship shouldn't be that complicated (with the courting and all). I believed him when he said he's fine now, I believe everything he says, but he said that although it's all in the past now, he has the right to know what happened back then just for the sake of knowing and I was more than willing to tell him, just not now because I can't fly all the way there to tell him-- I want it to be personal because that's what he deserves, it's the least I could do after all the lies he thought he believed. He has changed-- a lot-- and I have too, but there's still that chemistry we had back then, when although we are characters apart, we can still relate with each other. So that's it, we're not really in constant communication with each other, I'm okay with that. I believe in our new friendship, besides I also believe God has a purpose why suddenly after three years he allows someone from my past to pop back into my life again. Don't you think?

-- God would always bring people to our lives, for us to touch their lives, and for them to touch our lives.

it started with "hey"

               Wait, so like this is what I get now? This "okay" feeling? After all that drama and tension of whether or not I'd text him-- this would be the end result? This yeah-okay-life-goes-on attitude? WOW. Definitely, WOW. After three years, I try to text him, maybe try to build something-- not a romantic relationship, but more of a reconciled friendship-- and when he does not respond to that I just tell myself "yeah, okay, that's life. Let's get my nails done"-- this is major shit! HAHA! No seriously, I'm not kidding! I literally expected a very dark graveyard waiting for me when I typed those three letters of "Hey." on my phone, I knew at the back of my mind that he wouldn't reply, but I had hoped he would and when finally he didn't I expected to go all emo and sad BUT I DIDN'T (maybe this will get to me later in the days or weeks to come, but right now, I don't feel like regretting what I did, although it would've been nice if we got to talk or something.) But I'd have to admit I was really, really, really tensed back there when I got his number-- I mean I was like "What the hell do I say to him?", "Where the hell do I start?", "Should I say sorry or should I just play it casual?", I was going nuts trying to decide on what speech to say and it all ends up to me being very, very, minimalist with my choice of words-- Hey-- now that sounded stupid but, at least it wasn't a 100 word description of how I felt because not a single response came. And it would've been more stupid if that was that. I'm really happy because despite my R-craze that's been going on, I can still deal with the situation maturely at the end of the day, I mean if this was a year ago I might have had a rage and maybe I would've started feeling all stupid and stupid and more stupid when it came to this, but right now I don't so maybe I have indeed grown up. Maybe I have indeed moved on, maybe I have accepted the fact that I loved him and it was my fault for hurting him, maybe I have agreed to pay for my part in whatsoever way because I know a simple apology would not get to him-- and if this is that, this taking in the no-response-I-couldn't-care-less-front he's showing me then I can swallow it, I can manage, and I can deal with it. We both have had our fair share of the pain we inflicted on each other, we both have had our fair share of the hurt we created, but I have already grown past that hurt and pain, I have moved on, and now I know it's time to do something about the present, maybe we won't ever get to have that chance of changing our past, or preventing our past mistakes from happening, maybe we won't have that chance of travelling back in time to undo what can be undone, but we can change our future, we can choose to do something about our lives five or ten years from now, and I choose to admit to my mistake and ask for forgiveness. It wouldn't matter whether or not he'd still make friends with me (although it would be nicer if he did), I'd still do what I chose to do. He's had way too much, and this is all that I can offer to make up for what he has been through. It would matter to me if he heard and listened to my side of the story.

shallow emotions

                   Okay, so maybe I didn't actually FLIRT, maybe I was just AMAZINGLY enjoying the moment that I was spending with someone new, that I actually got paranoid enough to even think I was flirting. (insert BIG *SIGH* in here.) I guess too little time spent on the road can cause dull edges, don't you think? So it didn't actually turn out to be FLIRTING after all, I was just OVERREACTING. And besides, that "drama" of having to love someone again was mistakenly a hoax because after a few days of school, stress, boys, and MORE BOYS, I actually forgot that EXAGGERATED feeling I had a week ago. And when I look back at the words written, I somehow pity myself for having such shallow emotions. I mean, I easily FALL for someone I've just met, I easily get ATTACHED, I TAKE PLEASURE in the thought of being in love again, and I am a SUCKER for LOVE. Yup, that's me-- the all-believing, martyr of love-- and I suck it. Just when I was about to end this year without ever being reminded by a nostalgic past, I stumbled upon a birthday-- his birthday-- and I find myself going back to where I was some three years ago-- in my room, trying to decide on something which I thought was just something random I had to be over with-- if I had known back then what were to happen in the future, I would've made a different choice. I'm not saying I regret the decisions and choices I have made over the years-- because they were all good ones-- I'm just saying, it would have and could have been BETTER. We could have been friends rather than strangers, happy rather than bitter, and productive rather than just stuck in that moment with nothing, not even a single shot at being a better person. When I look at the past, I thank God for all the right choices I have made, but somehow I also wish I'd made better choices, not only for myself but also for other people. I was selfish, and now I regret being selfish-- I hurt other people, people who would've had better chances at life if only they did not experience the pain of being REJECTED by me-- I was trying my best to let people love me, trying my best to feel that deep sense of belongingness and care, when all I had to do was love myself. I couldn't love people back even if I wanted to, even if I felt like it-- it was just unreal-- because I didn't love myself in the first place. All in all I was messed up. I lost the one guy I thought I truly loved ( I REALLY DID LOVE HIM, and I think I STILL DO) all because I felt he didn’t love me enough, which of course was unfair judgment knowing that no one could really love me enough because I didn't even have love for myself-- I only kept on taking and taking love from others. So he got messed up pretty bad, he started to waste his life, and he shut his heart down (he didn't die, he just shut his emotions and feelings off)-- technically, he turned into the walking dead-- someone who's incapable of feeling anything. I created a monster. He blamed me, his friends blamed me, everybody blamed me-- I even blamed myself for what had happened-- but still the fact remained, I could not change anymore what has been done. It was like I cut him too deep, it's impossible to cure him now. Over the years I found myself growing up not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. I found the strength to go on, I found  GOD, I found myself, and I learned to love myself-- I was now ready to love others, I was now ready to love HIM. The irony in that is the fact that when the time came that I became ready to love him, he was already a cold-hearted stone and far away from ever loving me back. Now that he's turned nineteen (just yesterday, somebody put an effort to remind me-- THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING THAT. Seriously? EVERY YEAR?!) , aside from wishing him all the best in life and all the happiness in the world, I somehow wish I'd be able to talk to him and tell him everything I've been wanting to tell him this past three years. I wish to tell him the I-really-loved-you-I'm-sorry-about-letting-you-go speech and end it with the can-I-be-your-friend peace offering question. After all these years, huh? I guess this proves true the saying: "Love never fades." It never faded, it remained here even at the most trying times, it is still here now, and it will always be here. I never stopped loving or caring for you, that never happened, that would never happen. You see, I just had to somehow take a break and love myself a little bit, love myself more, until I finally learn to fully love myself.

epic. momentary. short-lived.

               Epic. Momentary. Short-lived. That is how I describe what happened three years ago-- three long, painful years ago-- when what seemed  to be forever happened to be just temporary and passing. The ironic twist was everything but expected-- I wasn't even aware that there'd be a time for  GOODBYES. At the moment all I ever cared for was being with him, being happy with him, and nothing else but him-- but all I got in return for my  selfishness were heavy tears and deep pain. Somehow, the memory still lingers, and when you let your mind go back to that certain point in time, you  find yourself lost in the abyss of your maturity. You struggle to fight for what you believe in, at the same time struggling to fight against what you feel.  And after three long years I still find myself hoping that someday we'd meet again, and we'd be mature enough to laugh at our mistakes from long ago.

familiar face

              I saw it again, that face, that familiar face I thought I wouldn't ever see; the eyes which I thought were buried deep in the corners of my memory flashed before my very own, tonight. I never thought-- no I never even had the guts to think about it because every single time I do, pain strikes me before I could ever have the chance to pull away from the thought. Time, it left me with a horrible, deep, never-to-be-erased scar that only I could see and feel-- a scar in my memory, in my heart. I don't generalize; not every guy with chinky brown eyes remind me of the one guy who made me fall in love a long time ago yesterday-- not everyone who has those chinky brown eyes could easily remind me of him. But tonight, I couldn't help but stare at those  eyes. Those were almost the exact pair of eyes I have long yearned to see and hide from at the same time. And at that moment, as I was in deep stare,  pain struck me-- as fast and as nerve-killing as lightning. The setting was all too perfect for a moment's reminiscing! I was in an internet café, laughing  with my friends, playing a zombie game; almost every guy in there was playing warcraft-- including the guy next to me and that guy who stood at the  other side with his chinky brown eyes. R also loved warcraft. Even before I came to know him it was already his life, after knowing him and breaking his  heart it became his only life. I remembered. I felt. I was horrible. I wished I never saw those eyes tonight. I wished I never came too close to knowing  those eyes a long time ago yesterday because now, I could only shrink at the sight of those pleading, guilt-driven, pain-filled eyes. Each time I come across  those random chinky brown eyes, I feel a deep stab-- a stab I know would continue, continue to hurt, continue to itch, and continue to bleed.

brutal honesty

                 Tell me something, what draws the line between flirting with someone and getting to know someone, because as far as I'm concerned, I seemed to have crossed the line and I'm afraid I will AGAIN step into the same mess I have just gotten out of many weeks ago. I know I'm just being careful with myself by not really establishing close-relationship-ties with the opposite sex, but the more I isolate myself from young men, the more I become ignorant and awkward with the behavior I should have during one-on-one conversation instances, and it sucks! Seriously, I won't lose my virginity or get pregnant just by talking to them-- but even so I still program myself not to indulge in deep conversations for fear of losing to my heart. "Preserving Myself"-- this is not a front act to cover up my fear of falling-inlove-and-getting-hurt-again, this is a covenant I made with myself and with God, because I want to give the greatest gift I could ever give to my husband aside from myself-- something I worked hard for body and soul, and I tell you it's something worth it, it's something worthy to look forward to. But honestly all this effort to "self-preservation" has somehow turned in a wrong notion for me, because I have literally forgotten how to interact and mingle with people of the opposite sex-- earlier I had the biggest problem of deciphering flirty from friendly, just because I thought I "talked" and "smiled" too much to that one very hot guy I barely even know, who of course drove me to the airport this afternoon. Just because I noticed we had TOO MUCH interaction, I was already allowing myself to think I may have flirted with him-- did I? I don't flirt, I knew how to do it because I did it before, but two years ago I forced myself to stop and since then I could only remember fragments of it-- I have officially forgotten how to flirt-- that's why I had a hard time considering my situation, assessing whether or not I have flirted with that guy I was laughing with in the car. Is this how it's gonna be forever? Always assessing, always in control, always one step behind? Will I always be checking my so-called "morality meter"? Is that how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? Of course I desire to be in the right path, I desire to follow that pure and righteous road with God, but, should I consider "feeling-again-from-someone" something that's bad for my life? Can't it be just as simple as smiling and knowing you're happy? Can't it have that same deep joy you feel when you know God loves you so much? I didn't ask for the person to love me, I didn't ask for anything in return, I just want to be able to somehow feel something and be assured it's not a sin to feel something except for lust and anger. Is that too much to ask? I have been careful, too much even, to consider that I should only be "close" to someone whom God truly prepared for me. Where did that get me? NOWHERE. What did I get out of it? False, selfish, insights that were meant to benefit my ego; Lies I selfishly convinced myself with; a self centered, self-seeking kind of love; and lastly REJECTION-- from the person I really thought was "the one". The only benefit I got from that experience was that I learned to be patient with myself and with God, I didn't hurry love, and I didn't hurry myself, but eventually it didn't work out because patience alone was not enough. Although I didn't seek love from elsewhere anymore, I now found myself seeking confirmation, which is worse than seeking love-- you can't force someone to love you too if that someone already loves someone else, it's just not fair-- even if I have to convince and reason with myself for years, it still is not fair, never will be and that's a fact I couldn't easily accept. Why? Because I was so into it, it felt right; I was so much into it, it felt real, it felt alive, it felt true-- but it wasn't, I was only fooling myself and it took THAT LONG to realize that. And now that I'm fresh from the disappointment and frustration of allowing myself to be engulfed by my own selfish illusions, I somehow sort of start to feel something again-- something a lot different from the "careful" something I had before, something that's not at all too perfect but nice, something just worthwhile for the moment, something that may or may not be long-term but quite enjoyable and cheerful-- but, before I get drowned in my own happy feeling, I stop myself, I stop myself and think, I assess whether or not it's right, and I realized how cautious and reserved I have become that I even try to hinder hints of love, kindness, and affection from entering my life, my mind, my heart and soul, all because I'm being "careful". It was even foolish of me before, to try and convince myself for all the wrong reasons just because I thought he was "the one". Now here comes someone less complicated, someone who is maybe not officially inlove with someone else, someone I can love freely without hesitation, without confirmation and without fear, someone I can love even if I needed to convince myself that I have to love for all the right reasons -- because I have all the right reasons to love him. And then suddenly in a split-of-a-second I can't do it anymore? Suddenly, it just seems wrong to feel something?-- If this is the result of being TOO "careful", then I don't want it, if being careful meant hindering even the most honest and pure feelings to touch my heart, if it meant being eaten up alive by the technicalities that don't even level up with genuine love, or slowly dying of blindness to the truth and numbness to feeling-- then I don't want to be "careful" anymore, I don't want to assess, control and even try to reprogram my heart, I just want to feel again and if it's a sin to feel love towards someone I barely even know, at the most random moment, then I'd ask God to forgive me because I'd take that risk, I'd give myself the chance and I'd love him. I once loved someone whole heartedly for all the wrong reasons, why can't I possibly give myself another chance to love someone again, but this time, for all the right reasons?


-- first I got rejected. Then I got confused. And all within a matter of small time. Last year was just so complicated.

happy birthday

      Happy Birthday. See, I didn't forget, and I think I never will. I had thought otherwise, but I realized I'd never be given that chance to redeem myself neither will I be given the privilege to not give a damn about your birthday because for so long now this day has always been a part of my life's reality. It's the only remaining nostalgia of you in my life. And I could forget all the birthdays I've remembered up to this time, but not yours. I thought I could, I almost even believed I'd be able to go through his year without ever being remembered by this faithful day, but I was wrong. Even at the busiest, most preoccupied, and lousiest time I was still able to pause and remember you, to check the date, confirm that indeed today is your birthday-- I thought I missed it, thought I was a few days late (because I haven't been minding the dates for the past days)-- but then I realize no matter where I'm at, or what I'm doing, or how I'm feeling somehow your birthday always seems to find it's own way into my busy life. -- see how much of an impact your birthday has on my life? I get the notice every year, and with each passing year, I always wish for the same thing. The only problem is, my wish never gets granted EVER-- SUCKS TO BE ME.


-- wrote this about a year ago, I just had to post it.

from my journal

                                I have come to realize that with life, somehow,  there will always be that one particular person, who will replay the nostalgic-bitter-drama-of-my-yesterday and turn it into something more present, something that is now, someone whose at hand with the current timing, someone who will make me remember the past without the pain, that once-bitter-past that's now looking unto the future with a smile in the face, and when that person shows up, I'll learn to accept the good in the bad, the itch in the pain, and the was in the past. I'll understand the essence of letting go, then moving on-- that there is indeed genuine happiness even with a different face, different time, different place, different circumstance, and a different story. The only one thing that I can't bear to think is: He'll have the same realization with someone else who is not me.

a timely restoration

               Okay, so like I'm supposed to be in a hurry right now, typing this and stuff because I have an exam on Philosophy tomorrow and I haven't opened my book yet-- which I should have by the way--  but, running out of words to say is what is keeping me from progressing on this piece I'm writing right now. I don't know where to start with my story, should I be like "Guess what? R and I are friends…" or should I start with "Well after quite some time, he finally responded to my effort.." I mean, seriously? I shouldn't even be having this argument in my head with what starting line to use. Okay so back on the topic, YES, we are now friends (just friends, and no, we don't have that special something going on, or that we-fall-in-love-with-each-other-all-over-again feeling-- we are just your everyday-casual-friends). Well, the night I called and sent the last text message I was supposed to send to him, I prayed to God, I prayed that He would enlighten R's mind, or help him in whatsoever way to put past him the hurt and the pain, to help him move on, et cetera. I told God, that He above anyone else knew how I really felt, and that if it's not His will that we be friends again, then I asked Him to take away the guilty feeling that I have had for the past three years, I was like: "This is just too much, this has gotten way over, I don't want a part of this anymore if this really has no contribution to my life, if this is just a passing feeling then I don't want it, I don't want to be guilty over something I shouldn't be fussing over in the first place"-- that's what I told Him. Then, the day after, my prayer got answered. R texted me, actually he apologized for failing to respond to the earlier messages because he said he had no load and furthermore he was listening when I called so, that's it, that's what he said and when I saw his name appear on my phone with the icon of a new message, I was like jumping and screaming all around the house. I can't believe what I actually felt, it was like WOW, finally! I mean, I gave up on trying to reach out already, I gave it to God because I couldn't handle the situation anymore. And now He was like delivering what I was asking for right at my very own doorstep. So in other words, R and I texted, we talked about his life and mine, how we had grown over the years. I told him I wanted to say sorry, but we'd have to talk two years from now since I'd be going to Rome this summer, he was okay with that. He told me he had moved on with his life, that he's now okay, and that we should do the same-- just forget about the pain in the past. He mentioned he had a "girlfriend" or in his words "what-seemed-like-a-girlfriend"-- because he argued that the relationship wasn't really that serious because he didn't court the girl, actually he doesn't court girls anymore, he believes sweet talking is the key to win them over-- I disagreed of course, but I didn't tell him that, because in a way he had a point, I do want to be courted but there's a part of me that wishes my future relationship shouldn't be that complicated (with the courting and all). I believed him when he said he's fine now, I believe everything he says, but he said that although it's all in the past now, he has the right to know what happened back then just for the sake of knowing and I was more than willing to tell him, just not now because I can't fly all the way there to tell him-- I want it to be personal because that's what he deserves, it's the least I could do after all the lies he thought he believed. He has changed-- a lot-- and I have too, but there's still that chemistry we had back then, when although we are characters apart, we can still relate with each other. So that's it, we're not really in constant communication with each other, I'm okay with that. I believe in our new friendship, besides I also believe God has a purpose why suddenly after three years he allows someone from my past to pop back into my life again. Don't you think?

-- God would always bring people to our lives, for us to touch their lives, and for them to touch our lives.