brutal honesty

                 Tell me something, what draws the line between flirting with someone and getting to know someone, because as far as I'm concerned, I seemed to have crossed the line and I'm afraid I will AGAIN step into the same mess I have just gotten out of many weeks ago. I know I'm just being careful with myself by not really establishing close-relationship-ties with the opposite sex, but the more I isolate myself from young men, the more I become ignorant and awkward with the behavior I should have during one-on-one conversation instances, and it sucks! Seriously, I won't lose my virginity or get pregnant just by talking to them-- but even so I still program myself not to indulge in deep conversations for fear of losing to my heart. "Preserving Myself"-- this is not a front act to cover up my fear of falling-inlove-and-getting-hurt-again, this is a covenant I made with myself and with God, because I want to give the greatest gift I could ever give to my husband aside from myself-- something I worked hard for body and soul, and I tell you it's something worth it, it's something worthy to look forward to. But honestly all this effort to "self-preservation" has somehow turned in a wrong notion for me, because I have literally forgotten how to interact and mingle with people of the opposite sex-- earlier I had the biggest problem of deciphering flirty from friendly, just because I thought I "talked" and "smiled" too much to that one very hot guy I barely even know, who of course drove me to the airport this afternoon. Just because I noticed we had TOO MUCH interaction, I was already allowing myself to think I may have flirted with him-- did I? I don't flirt, I knew how to do it because I did it before, but two years ago I forced myself to stop and since then I could only remember fragments of it-- I have officially forgotten how to flirt-- that's why I had a hard time considering my situation, assessing whether or not I have flirted with that guy I was laughing with in the car. Is this how it's gonna be forever? Always assessing, always in control, always one step behind? Will I always be checking my so-called "morality meter"? Is that how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? Of course I desire to be in the right path, I desire to follow that pure and righteous road with God, but, should I consider "feeling-again-from-someone" something that's bad for my life? Can't it be just as simple as smiling and knowing you're happy? Can't it have that same deep joy you feel when you know God loves you so much? I didn't ask for the person to love me, I didn't ask for anything in return, I just want to be able to somehow feel something and be assured it's not a sin to feel something except for lust and anger. Is that too much to ask? I have been careful, too much even, to consider that I should only be "close" to someone whom God truly prepared for me. Where did that get me? NOWHERE. What did I get out of it? False, selfish, insights that were meant to benefit my ego; Lies I selfishly convinced myself with; a self centered, self-seeking kind of love; and lastly REJECTION-- from the person I really thought was "the one". The only benefit I got from that experience was that I learned to be patient with myself and with God, I didn't hurry love, and I didn't hurry myself, but eventually it didn't work out because patience alone was not enough. Although I didn't seek love from elsewhere anymore, I now found myself seeking confirmation, which is worse than seeking love-- you can't force someone to love you too if that someone already loves someone else, it's just not fair-- even if I have to convince and reason with myself for years, it still is not fair, never will be and that's a fact I couldn't easily accept. Why? Because I was so into it, it felt right; I was so much into it, it felt real, it felt alive, it felt true-- but it wasn't, I was only fooling myself and it took THAT LONG to realize that. And now that I'm fresh from the disappointment and frustration of allowing myself to be engulfed by my own selfish illusions, I somehow sort of start to feel something again-- something a lot different from the "careful" something I had before, something that's not at all too perfect but nice, something just worthwhile for the moment, something that may or may not be long-term but quite enjoyable and cheerful-- but, before I get drowned in my own happy feeling, I stop myself, I stop myself and think, I assess whether or not it's right, and I realized how cautious and reserved I have become that I even try to hinder hints of love, kindness, and affection from entering my life, my mind, my heart and soul, all because I'm being "careful". It was even foolish of me before, to try and convince myself for all the wrong reasons just because I thought he was "the one". Now here comes someone less complicated, someone who is maybe not officially inlove with someone else, someone I can love freely without hesitation, without confirmation and without fear, someone I can love even if I needed to convince myself that I have to love for all the right reasons -- because I have all the right reasons to love him. And then suddenly in a split-of-a-second I can't do it anymore? Suddenly, it just seems wrong to feel something?-- If this is the result of being TOO "careful", then I don't want it, if being careful meant hindering even the most honest and pure feelings to touch my heart, if it meant being eaten up alive by the technicalities that don't even level up with genuine love, or slowly dying of blindness to the truth and numbness to feeling-- then I don't want to be "careful" anymore, I don't want to assess, control and even try to reprogram my heart, I just want to feel again and if it's a sin to feel love towards someone I barely even know, at the most random moment, then I'd ask God to forgive me because I'd take that risk, I'd give myself the chance and I'd love him. I once loved someone whole heartedly for all the wrong reasons, why can't I possibly give myself another chance to love someone again, but this time, for all the right reasons?


-- first I got rejected. Then I got confused. And all within a matter of small time. Last year was just so complicated.