adventures with ness

                 I've been in a pensive mood lately, for four days now actually. Trying to reflect on something I just recently discovered, on whether I should fight for it, or just let it go. Some things are just hard to fathom really, and the more you force yourself to grasp the reality of something, the more it leads you to believe that the reality you're believing in is nothing but a mere lie. Someday this will all be settled, and when it's time, I shall tell of why there was a point in my life when I wished nothing more but to get drunk on my first beer, get addicted to my first cigarette, and get high with my first weed. But for now, I shall only tell of my adventures with a new friend I've come to know more, and love more while I am in this new place-- Ness.

this is Vanessa, I call her Nessa, or Ness for short.

her smiles remind me so much of a dear friend-- Kaye.

yes, she's a bit crazy also, like me.

               We went to EUR FERMI, a place in Rome, a bit far from the center of Rome, actually this place is the second to the last stop on the Metro going to Laurentina. I think this was shot last week, we were planning to have an autumn shoot but when I saw the place everything was so green, it felt like spring instead of autumn. The seasons here are kind of confusing, it's supposed to be autumn already but there are days when it's still hot outside, and leaves haven't even changed colors yet. There are also days when it's so cold you could wear up to three layers of clothing and still feel the gnawing cold. I blame global warming. The earth is not the same earth anymore, and the results are now becoming more visible. Moving on, we decided that since we can't have our autumn shoot, then we should at least have some fun and just play around and that's exactly what we did-- be goofballs and all. It was so fun, I arrived home a bit late that night meaning 7 p.m since the traveling distance was a bit far. So there you are, I actually was more of a "model" than a photographer during this fun shoot because I have more photos than Ness! And that is why, in between shots my mind would be nostalgic and remember my friends back in Cebu, especially Kaye, because she was always the first to be confident in me and push me to smile for her as she takes a shot of me. If you are reading this Kaye, I miss you! Here is one shot of me which I really like.

And here are the rest of our photos. Thank you Ness for taking great photos of me! That is all. More updates soon, I'm planning on making a video, taking a lot of random bus rides, and having more of my Rome experience because I need a break from all this negative vibe that is going on.

pictures bring memories

             Have you ever had one of those back-in-time moments when you browse through old pictures stored in your hard drive, or your photo albums and you just can't help but drift away? Well, I had that moment earlier, you see I was trying to make some space in my now-full hard drive memory, and I stumbled upon pictures I never had the chance to view until this day and before I knew it, I was hooked. I spent so much time looking at them I forgot what I was intended to do in the first place--  make memory space. So now, these are some of the random pictures I took two long months ago, when our Art Appreciation class went on a Manila-Baguio tour. Some of them are on-the-road pictures, while some are stop-over pictures. I just had this urge to post them, after looking at them for quite some time. In a few days I'll be travelling to Leyte, which means no more wifi, no more internet, no more posts-- at least for a couple of days-- and while I'm out there I want to at least leave some of my memories here.

brutal honesty

                 Tell me something, what draws the line between flirting with someone and getting to know someone, because as far as I'm concerned, I seemed to have crossed the line and I'm afraid I will AGAIN step into the same mess I have just gotten out of many weeks ago. I know I'm just being careful with myself by not really establishing close-relationship-ties with the opposite sex, but the more I isolate myself from young men, the more I become ignorant and awkward with the behavior I should have during one-on-one conversation instances, and it sucks! Seriously, I won't lose my virginity or get pregnant just by talking to them-- but even so I still program myself not to indulge in deep conversations for fear of losing to my heart. "Preserving Myself"-- this is not a front act to cover up my fear of falling-inlove-and-getting-hurt-again, this is a covenant I made with myself and with God, because I want to give the greatest gift I could ever give to my husband aside from myself-- something I worked hard for body and soul, and I tell you it's something worth it, it's something worthy to look forward to. But honestly all this effort to "self-preservation" has somehow turned in a wrong notion for me, because I have literally forgotten how to interact and mingle with people of the opposite sex-- earlier I had the biggest problem of deciphering flirty from friendly, just because I thought I "talked" and "smiled" too much to that one very hot guy I barely even know, who of course drove me to the airport this afternoon. Just because I noticed we had TOO MUCH interaction, I was already allowing myself to think I may have flirted with him-- did I? I don't flirt, I knew how to do it because I did it before, but two years ago I forced myself to stop and since then I could only remember fragments of it-- I have officially forgotten how to flirt-- that's why I had a hard time considering my situation, assessing whether or not I have flirted with that guy I was laughing with in the car. Is this how it's gonna be forever? Always assessing, always in control, always one step behind? Will I always be checking my so-called "morality meter"? Is that how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? Of course I desire to be in the right path, I desire to follow that pure and righteous road with God, but, should I consider "feeling-again-from-someone" something that's bad for my life? Can't it be just as simple as smiling and knowing you're happy? Can't it have that same deep joy you feel when you know God loves you so much? I didn't ask for the person to love me, I didn't ask for anything in return, I just want to be able to somehow feel something and be assured it's not a sin to feel something except for lust and anger. Is that too much to ask? I have been careful, too much even, to consider that I should only be "close" to someone whom God truly prepared for me. Where did that get me? NOWHERE. What did I get out of it? False, selfish, insights that were meant to benefit my ego; Lies I selfishly convinced myself with; a self centered, self-seeking kind of love; and lastly REJECTION-- from the person I really thought was "the one". The only benefit I got from that experience was that I learned to be patient with myself and with God, I didn't hurry love, and I didn't hurry myself, but eventually it didn't work out because patience alone was not enough. Although I didn't seek love from elsewhere anymore, I now found myself seeking confirmation, which is worse than seeking love-- you can't force someone to love you too if that someone already loves someone else, it's just not fair-- even if I have to convince and reason with myself for years, it still is not fair, never will be and that's a fact I couldn't easily accept. Why? Because I was so into it, it felt right; I was so much into it, it felt real, it felt alive, it felt true-- but it wasn't, I was only fooling myself and it took THAT LONG to realize that. And now that I'm fresh from the disappointment and frustration of allowing myself to be engulfed by my own selfish illusions, I somehow sort of start to feel something again-- something a lot different from the "careful" something I had before, something that's not at all too perfect but nice, something just worthwhile for the moment, something that may or may not be long-term but quite enjoyable and cheerful-- but, before I get drowned in my own happy feeling, I stop myself, I stop myself and think, I assess whether or not it's right, and I realized how cautious and reserved I have become that I even try to hinder hints of love, kindness, and affection from entering my life, my mind, my heart and soul, all because I'm being "careful". It was even foolish of me before, to try and convince myself for all the wrong reasons just because I thought he was "the one". Now here comes someone less complicated, someone who is maybe not officially inlove with someone else, someone I can love freely without hesitation, without confirmation and without fear, someone I can love even if I needed to convince myself that I have to love for all the right reasons -- because I have all the right reasons to love him. And then suddenly in a split-of-a-second I can't do it anymore? Suddenly, it just seems wrong to feel something?-- If this is the result of being TOO "careful", then I don't want it, if being careful meant hindering even the most honest and pure feelings to touch my heart, if it meant being eaten up alive by the technicalities that don't even level up with genuine love, or slowly dying of blindness to the truth and numbness to feeling-- then I don't want to be "careful" anymore, I don't want to assess, control and even try to reprogram my heart, I just want to feel again and if it's a sin to feel love towards someone I barely even know, at the most random moment, then I'd ask God to forgive me because I'd take that risk, I'd give myself the chance and I'd love him. I once loved someone whole heartedly for all the wrong reasons, why can't I possibly give myself another chance to love someone again, but this time, for all the right reasons?


-- first I got rejected. Then I got confused. And all within a matter of small time. Last year was just so complicated.

thanks Kaye

             This is another random post. I keep on telling myself that I should plan my posts, think about a topic before writing, then I realize I'm not like that at all with my journal-- I don't think and I don't plan, I just write whatever, whenever I feel like it. It's like this crave that gets to me, and I just can't stop until I satisfy that crave. Well anyway, thanks to my friend Kaye, whose blog I happened to visit earlier (and I think you should too), I am now here writing a new post. I was inspired by how well she complimented my passion for writing that I felt guilty I had been so busy lately that I seldom find time to do what I love doing. Yes, I know, the reality of my situation is what gets me, but the only thing I could ever do about it is be patient. I've got years of studies way ahead of me, and if I lose my cool with the hectic schedules and heavy pressures I've been putting up with, then I won't be able to live the life I love and love the life I live-- in short I won't be able to do what I love anymore-- which by the way I don't ever, ever, want to happen.

              For the past days I have already been thinking of ways to spend my one year vacation which would start right away this April. Because in all honesty, I don't know what I'm going to do when I arrive in Rome. I don't have a plane ticket yet, which makes it all the more surreal and impossible to believe in. But anyway, if ever that does happen, and I arrive there, having Rome all to myself, at least I have my plans to back me up! The thing is, I can't decide on what exactly to do, so I end up thinking of so many random things to do such as: visit the tourist spots there, take a lot of pictures, try out the different kinds of food, go to the museums, visit Paris,Venice, Milan and all the other nice places, go shopping and try out all the winter clothes (the Philippines is a tropical country and how I badly wish we had snow so that I could go around wearing a trench coat without being looked at, and laughed at by people)-- and of course blog about every single one of my experiences. On the sad note however, every one of the things I plan on doing requires spending money and really don't want to bother my mom and ask her for money because I know how much she would be paying for my brother and I to stay there.

              You know that moment when you wish you already have a job that lets you earn more than what you spend? I am having that moment right now. How I wish I was already employed and earning money, that way I wouldn't have to ask for anything from my mom. I am being so dramatic and petty and in such a hurry to grow up when what I should be doing is savor every dependent moment of my life because this won't last forever. Okay, I've had my realizations, I just hope I get to enjoy every single second of my time there and be able to share it with you on this blog. Oh and by the way, I have been planning to set up a lookbook account, I just haven't decided yet on whether I should make one separate blog for that, or to merge it with this blog I have right now. So that's all I have to say for today. It's weird having to write as if you're talking to someone, because I usually only write as if I were the only person who could read whatever I write.

thurenzday

                  Okay so I admit the TITLE is a bit weird and unreadable, it's because I may have gotten the idea of the name from a "friend" earlier this afternoon. So this title is in honor of my *crush* (insert blushing face here) and yes I know I'm being a bit corny right now-- dedicating the title to my crush-- but can I just be a teen for once, and blush and gossip about the hot guy sitting a few plastic chairs ahead of my own in Photography class? I am fully aware that I am endangering my social life by writing all this down because for all I know my friends and classmates might check out this blog sooner and by then my social life will be all over, but I'm willing to risk it anyway. Just because I like him doesn't mean I'm incapable of writing about him-- in fear of being busted-- I'll write anyhow because that's what I do and I love what I do even if that means opening myself up to the public for social humiliation-- this is not really going to happen right? Right?! So anyway, I totally had FUN all day round! I got to actively participate in both my dreaded subjects-- Philosophy and Literature-- I even got to discuss the topic with the teacher well, I enjoyed our essay activity in Literature, I was very interactive and productive during my Photography Class (I asked lots and lots of questions and I learned a lot of stuff about Photography-- the usual), AND I think I made quite an impression on you-know-who (which is not Lord Voldemort by the way). I was teased, and teased, and bullied, and teased again for the nth time, but it was worth it! That feeling when you exercise your face muscles by smiling a whole lot-- I had that, it was hilarious! I was laughing and blushing all throughout the entire period because my "friend" wouldn't stop making a fuss about you-know-who and me, she was really, literally teasing me for the whole time we were together and I was laughing with her because she was trying so hard to gain the attention of a certain person, sometimes even going way overboard, but in the end she succeeded. And it was without embarrassment. I literally got served by my friends because a whole lot of them was joining in the fun, and it was a me-against-the-world show. I tried defending myself, I literally shut myself up just to appease the current situation we were in which was of course-- noisy and embarrassing-- but I just couldn't do anything, no matter how hard I tried, about it. I was just hopeless, I was like waiting for the consequences to arise already because I knew they were making quite an impression on you-know-who, and they were pointing to me (of course, they'd point to me, I was the one being teased upon) as the main reason for their actions. Shame on me. Nah! Just kidding. I actually liked it (not the fuss making), just the good time we had together, I mean we laughed and we enjoyed every bit of that laugh, now that was priceless! And by the way, while we were at it, my friend RJ made us chinese-ink-tattoes on the wrist that were almost similar to Henna except it's water soluble meaning it can be erased with just water. And these are photos of his work on my wrist, I hope you like it!

                    So that ends my current post. Thanks and Godbless!

letting it pass

                 I shall let this pass-- whatever "this" may be. I'm not sure whether it's a feeling, an emotion, or a situation I feel compelled to react to-- but I wont-- nevertheless, I shall let this pass (until I get a good night's sleep, that is, then I'll be back and ranting about absolutely everything). Because this, this is the last draw. This is that one moment where all the strings have been pulled, where all the patience-knots break, and where all the heads come flying out the window. This is it. The limit of my so-called civil self. This is that one particular point in time where I'm supposed to break down and whine about how life is being so unfair, this is that one episode in my life where I'm supposed to ask all the "why" questions without ever bothering to listen to answers, this is that moment where I care only for myself and no one else, because it's that one time wherein I feel that the world has turned upside down and I don't know which side I should be on. Time and time again I make myself forget, and I fail every single time I do so. But at least I have moved on now. The only thing that's continually bothering me is the fact that someone makes me feel I shouldn't, when I believe I have every right to. And this is just SO UNFAIR! >.<