it started with "hey"

               Wait, so like this is what I get now? This "okay" feeling? After all that drama and tension of whether or not I'd text him-- this would be the end result? This yeah-okay-life-goes-on attitude? WOW. Definitely, WOW. After three years, I try to text him, maybe try to build something-- not a romantic relationship, but more of a reconciled friendship-- and when he does not respond to that I just tell myself "yeah, okay, that's life. Let's get my nails done"-- this is major shit! HAHA! No seriously, I'm not kidding! I literally expected a very dark graveyard waiting for me when I typed those three letters of "Hey." on my phone, I knew at the back of my mind that he wouldn't reply, but I had hoped he would and when finally he didn't I expected to go all emo and sad BUT I DIDN'T (maybe this will get to me later in the days or weeks to come, but right now, I don't feel like regretting what I did, although it would've been nice if we got to talk or something.) But I'd have to admit I was really, really, really tensed back there when I got his number-- I mean I was like "What the hell do I say to him?", "Where the hell do I start?", "Should I say sorry or should I just play it casual?", I was going nuts trying to decide on what speech to say and it all ends up to me being very, very, minimalist with my choice of words-- Hey-- now that sounded stupid but, at least it wasn't a 100 word description of how I felt because not a single response came. And it would've been more stupid if that was that. I'm really happy because despite my R-craze that's been going on, I can still deal with the situation maturely at the end of the day, I mean if this was a year ago I might have had a rage and maybe I would've started feeling all stupid and stupid and more stupid when it came to this, but right now I don't so maybe I have indeed grown up. Maybe I have indeed moved on, maybe I have accepted the fact that I loved him and it was my fault for hurting him, maybe I have agreed to pay for my part in whatsoever way because I know a simple apology would not get to him-- and if this is that, this taking in the no-response-I-couldn't-care-less-front he's showing me then I can swallow it, I can manage, and I can deal with it. We both have had our fair share of the pain we inflicted on each other, we both have had our fair share of the hurt we created, but I have already grown past that hurt and pain, I have moved on, and now I know it's time to do something about the present, maybe we won't ever get to have that chance of changing our past, or preventing our past mistakes from happening, maybe we won't have that chance of travelling back in time to undo what can be undone, but we can change our future, we can choose to do something about our lives five or ten years from now, and I choose to admit to my mistake and ask for forgiveness. It wouldn't matter whether or not he'd still make friends with me (although it would be nicer if he did), I'd still do what I chose to do. He's had way too much, and this is all that I can offer to make up for what he has been through. It would matter to me if he heard and listened to my side of the story.

familiar face

              I saw it again, that face, that familiar face I thought I wouldn't ever see; the eyes which I thought were buried deep in the corners of my memory flashed before my very own, tonight. I never thought-- no I never even had the guts to think about it because every single time I do, pain strikes me before I could ever have the chance to pull away from the thought. Time, it left me with a horrible, deep, never-to-be-erased scar that only I could see and feel-- a scar in my memory, in my heart. I don't generalize; not every guy with chinky brown eyes remind me of the one guy who made me fall in love a long time ago yesterday-- not everyone who has those chinky brown eyes could easily remind me of him. But tonight, I couldn't help but stare at those  eyes. Those were almost the exact pair of eyes I have long yearned to see and hide from at the same time. And at that moment, as I was in deep stare,  pain struck me-- as fast and as nerve-killing as lightning. The setting was all too perfect for a moment's reminiscing! I was in an internet café, laughing  with my friends, playing a zombie game; almost every guy in there was playing warcraft-- including the guy next to me and that guy who stood at the  other side with his chinky brown eyes. R also loved warcraft. Even before I came to know him it was already his life, after knowing him and breaking his  heart it became his only life. I remembered. I felt. I was horrible. I wished I never saw those eyes tonight. I wished I never came too close to knowing  those eyes a long time ago yesterday because now, I could only shrink at the sight of those pleading, guilt-driven, pain-filled eyes. Each time I come across  those random chinky brown eyes, I feel a deep stab-- a stab I know would continue, continue to hurt, continue to itch, and continue to bleed.