painful departure

                          I'm in tears, I'm in pain. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk, but every inch of me is dying to do so. I have never felt the pain of leaving until today, and it sucks. I think the most painful part of leaving this place would have to be the fact that we didn't want to leave in the first place-- but we can't do anything about it. So, I'm still bitter about everything that happened. I know I was the one who said about loving others and forgiving and it's just so hard! I was literally praying for more love earlier this morning because I felt like the people in the church were all hypocrites and I didn't want to look at them. I'm sorry Lord. I really am. I know that I haven't been a good steward of Your love at all because my emotions were ruling me this morning. And every resentment and hate that I felt for them kept on coming back! I know I should have resisted, I know I should have rebuked myself. I'm sorry. I also said something bad like " I won't come back anymore." I knew it was a bad thing to say. I've got no excuse. But, I was honest. I really didn't want to come back anymore if it was for the church, they have hurt us so badly. My dad was really a good example of that stewardship, I wasn't. How could he smile through all that? They betrayed him, they left when he needed them the most. And yet, he could still be happy and laugh all about it like nothing happened. He even talked to them. If it was me in his place, I would have probably shrugged them off. They were just MEAN. That going away party was just sad. I was confused whether I should be happy or insulted about it. There were a lot of people and it seemed to me that they really wanted us to go, because they were happy about it and I was like Oh my! I really cried because they had no idea what our family is going through because of what they did. I know I shouldn't put all the blame on them because I was a bad daughter to my dad and I was bad to my pastor as well. But, where were they during the time when my dad was all alone and he needed assistance, he needed someone to pick him up, or help him realize he was misled, where were they that time? Were they there? No. I don't think so. Instead, they were away, they stayed away. They criticized him for his weakness, they questioned his authority, they back-stabbed him! They didn't even bother to know what was going on with him. They just ruined him little by little without him knowing what was going on. They told stories, and rumors, and other things. They shouted at his face, talked behind his back, mocked him, criticized his calling, there were just so many things and I'm just hurt they did that to my dad and he wasn't even aware of all that because he is deaf. They took advantage of that one thing-- his deafness-- he couldn't hear even if you gossiped about him in his face! So they took that weakness and they did whatever they wanted. That was just unchristian like. And I am so pissed and hurt. 


-- one year has passed since that day. I'm glad its finally over.