my very long nostalgia list

         Epic. Momentary. Short-lived. That is how I describe what happened three years ago-- three long, painful years ago-- when what seemed  to be forever happened to be just temporary and passing. The ironic twist was everything but expected-- I wasn't even aware that there'd be a time for  GOODBYES. At the moment all I ever cared for was being with him, being happy with him, and nothing else but him-- but all I got in return for my  selfishness were heavy tears and deep pain. Somehow, the memory still lingers, and when you let your mind go back to that certain point in time, you  find yourself lost in the abyss of your maturity. You struggle to fight for what you believe in, at the same time struggling to fight against what you feel.  And after three long years I still find myself hoping that someday we'd meet again, and we'd be mature enough to laugh at our mistakes from long ago.

THE GUY I THOUGHT I KNEW.

           I saw it again, that face, that familiar face I thought I wouldn't ever see; the eyes which I thought were buried deep in the corners of my memory flashed before my very own, tonight. I never thought-- no I never even had the guts to think about it because every single time I do, pain strikes me before I could ever have the chance to pull away from the thought. Time, it left me with a horrible, deep, never-to-be-erased scar that only I could see and feel-- a scar in my memory, in my heart. I don't generalize; not every guy with chinky brown eyes remind me of the one guy who made me fall in love a long time ago yesterday-- not everyone who has those chinky brown eyes could easily remind me of him. But tonight, I couldn't help but stare at those  eyes. Those were almost the exact pair of eyes I have long yearned to see and hide from at the same time. And at that moment, as I was in deep stare,  pain struck me-- as fast and as nerve-killing as lightning. The setting was all too perfect for a moment's reminiscing! I was in an internet café, laughing  with my friends, playing a zombie game; almost every guy in there was playing warcraft-- including the guy next to me and that guy who stood at the  other side with his chinky brown eyes. Ram also loved warcraft. Even before I came to know him it was already his life, after knowing him and breaking his  heart it became his only life. I remembered. I felt. I was horrible. I wished I never saw those eyes tonight. I wished I never came too close to knowing  those eyes a long time ago yesterday because now, I could only shrink at the sight of those pleading, guilt-driven, pain-filled eyes. Each time I come across  those random chinky brown eyes, I feel a deep stab-- a stab I know would continue, continue to hurt, continue to itch, and continue to bleed.

ANOTHER HAPPY BIRTHDAY THAT WON'T GET ACROSS.

                Happy Birthday. See, I didn't forget, and I think I never will. I had thought otherwise, but I realized I'd never be given that chance to redeem myself neither will I be given the privilege to not give a damn about your birthday because for so long now this day has always been a part of my life's reality. It's the only remaining nostalgia of you in my life. And I could forget all the birthdays I've remembered up to this time, but not yours. I thought I could, I almost even believed I'd be able to go throught his year without ever being remembered by this faithful day, but I was wrong. Even at the busiest, most preoccupied, and lousiest time I was still able to pause and remember you, to check the date, confirm that indeed today is your birthday-- I thought I missed it, thought I was a few days late (because I haven't been minding the dates for the past days)-- but then I realize no matter where I'm at, or what I'm doing, or how I'm feeling somehow your birthday always seems to find it's own way into my busy life. -- see how much of an impact your birthday has on my life? I get the notice every year, and with each passing year, I always wish for the same thing. The only problem is, my wish never gets granted EVER-- SUCKS TO BE ME.