Everything that I do
now, and in the upcoming future, will be all for YOU-- that's what I want. And
it's not because I have just returned
from another Life Conference and I got saved again for the hundredth
time, but it's because that has been the long desire of my heart, and although
I may have fallen a lot of times-- and
when I say a lot, that surely means a whole lot-- I still love to live for
You-- only You. Plans may have backfired, paths may have changed, I may have tripped and stumbled
all my life but You were there all the way, even though I couldn't see nor feel
You, You were there to pick me up and
guide me through life. I believe this is where You would want me to be right
now. God! I so miss You! I desire to be in Your presence all the days of my life and I can't help but cry
because I just feel so overwhelmed at this very moment. You know what's in my
heart and You know that I just so miss
You! I have been bad-- and I do not condemn myself when I say this-- but I knew
You would forgive me even if I was your worst daughter ever, and right now I may not feel condemned, but I
feel pain, I feel hurt because all throughout my 17 years of existence all I
did was hurt the man who loved me the
most when I should have been loving Him with everything I had. I'm sorry. I was
wrong, I have been unfaithful, and I have sinned. I know You would forgive me, because I know how much You love
me. But still I ask, please let me love You again and in the best way that I
can. Please give me Your love so I would
also learn to love others, give me Your passion and heart so I would also have
passion and heart to do what I can't do on my own will, give me obedience and great patience to help me more
in obeying Your word and having patience in every circumstance and even in Your
promises. Please take hold of my life--
I know I have said this for many times over and over again-- and for every
single time I said it, I meant it. Please do take a firm hold of my life, I don't want to go back to where I was
4 years ago, when You picked me up at my darkest hour and I still went back
again. I want to move on and take on a
new stage of my life, I want to grow not just physically but also spiritually.
Father, please help me to forgive and love those people who have hurt me, and whom I think have hurt my family as
well. Please give me the grace to feel good when I enter Your holy place, even
though each moment I open my eyes I
could feel the pain and resentment inside. Help me Father, to be a good steward
of Your love for mankind. I know that You know how much bitterness I feel towards Your church in Carigara, and I know that You're aware of how much hurt and damage this
bitterness is doing to me please. Open
my eyes, please open my heart, and make me see beyond what I see now,
make me understand the reason behind every circumstance. I don't want to
be far from You or Your love, but this
bitterness inside of me is eating me up and I don't want to wake up one day and
realize that I have hated You just
because I was bitter. I love You-- I really do, and it hurts me so bad
that the people You love the most are the ones hurting me and my family. Where
did we go wrong Lord? Is this just one
of those phases in life where you can say in the end, "Oh, it was a
blessing in disguise!" is it like that? I'm confused, and I just learned a few days ago that You are
not a God of confusion. And it makes the confusion I have all the more
confusing! Was it my dad? My mom? Or
us-- the kids-- the pastor's kids who never learned to respect their
dad, much worse their Pastor-- was it us who made all these havoc happen? Was
it the devil? Really now? Was He the
only one behind this? Oh c'mon! We can do better than that! Please Lord. Just
take this burden away from my heart, and
heal other hearts as well, not just mine alone. Please do that.
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