a dose of fiction

                      You know what's odd? It's when you listen to a former heartbreak song from your the past then begin to imagine a different view with a different guy from the present. Am I making sense? I think not. Oh well, life can be unexplainable sometimes. I myself am unexplainable, I find it hard explaining myself when I do something very strange, whatever. Well anyway, I'm not so used to this. I feel strange thinking of this guy upon hearing the song, when years ago I seem to have programmed it to my mind that when I hear this song I think about Ram and the feeling of how often I missed him-- things like that, and now I seem to be thinking of someone else-- and the strange thing was that I seemed to imagine what it would feel like for this guy to break my heart, then I realized I was listening to the official heartbreak song I had for Ram years ago. Does that really have to make sense? Oh my! I JUST FEEL STRESSED AS A PREGNANT WOMAN RIGHT NOW-- as if I knew how it felt like. Maybe it was just me, maybe it was me, being silly old me and having fantasies of the guy I have a crush on. I could have heard wrong right? It could be that I was just imagining things-- putting them inside my head when it never really happened. I'm not talking about the divine connection of that song to the disturbing vision I had. I'm talking about something else-- about me being sure who I was going to marry someday!  It happened last year. I don't know how or when it started, all I know is that I started telling people last year that God-- somehow in His very strange ways-- revealed to me the man I was going to marry in the future. And oh this sucks! It was the guy from our church I was crushing on! I know it sounds crazy, and I've forgotten how most of that scene took place, but I was pretty sure that God spoke to me. And now I'm beginning to question whether or not that was just a crazy, lousy, attack of being bipolar-- not that I am one-- it's just that I don't remember having a dream, or a vision or something to prove to myself that God really did speak to me a year ago about that. All I have is that message in my heart, and it goes to say that I have been truly honest with this. I just can't sum myself up to believe it! Am I lacking faith? Am I making things up in my head? If I were, then that would be blasphemy to God, and I don't want that. I don't want to make things up in His name, that's preposterous and I'd be damned! I just don't get it how I'm so sure of the message. I even tried defending for myself if in case it wasn't true. I had doubts, part of me didn't want to believe. How could you not have doubts, if God pointed the exact person you were crushing on-- that seemed bias-- and that he had a girlfriend! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that-- he had a girlfriend! He still has one right now! In fact, they never broke up! And I'm to believe that we are to be married in the future? God! This is just nuts! I never even liked the man until last year. And we're ages apart-- I'm 17 he's 23-- and that's almost considered to be a pedophile relationship. Isn't it? This is just a disaster. I've been telling myself for months that he's not going to be the man I will marry someday because he is on a serious relationship with someone who is almost the same age as he is, and has a mature mind like he has! He works for the government, she works in a call canter-- they're compatible and we're not! We don't even talk in person. And although I seem to be close to his family, it seems nowadays I feel a really strange vibe going on. It's like I could almost feel that they don't want me for him in the future, ever since that MOM incident we all had. This is just plain disturbing. My pastor tells me that when you receive a message from God you should pray and hold it in your heart, it's like a revelation-- you're even supposed to jot it down-- which I didn't do by the way, because I never truly believed. The idea of it just seemed crazy at the time and I didn't want to involve myself-- which was an epic fail too, well because, although I didn't really believe and I truly didn't want to involve myself it just so happens that I did. I told people that I knew who I was going to marry bla bla bla. It went straight through the drainage pipe! It was a disaster! I was suddenly telling people of that "revelation" I had, and even if they didn't seem to care, even if they didn't understand, I still told them the whole story-- the whole fairytale story! God! And now I'm in a mess >.<


-- Wow. That felt weird. I felt like a loony reading what I wrote last year. But you know, God does talk, in Spirit, in that small voice called conscience-- and that was not conscience, that was fiction, an imagination of some sort that I am denying right now and though I am trying my best to think and explain to myself what had happened back then I just can't.