shallow emotions

                   Okay, so maybe I didn't actually FLIRT, maybe I was just AMAZINGLY enjoying the moment that I was spending with someone new, that I actually got paranoid enough to even think I was flirting. (insert BIG *SIGH* in here.) I guess too little time spent on the road can cause dull edges, don't you think? So it didn't actually turn out to be FLIRTING after all, I was just OVERREACTING. And besides, that "drama" of having to love someone again was mistakenly a hoax because after a few days of school, stress, boys, and MORE BOYS, I actually forgot that EXAGGERATED feeling I had a week ago. And when I look back at the words written, I somehow pity myself for having such shallow emotions. I mean, I easily FALL for someone I've just met, I easily get ATTACHED, I TAKE PLEASURE in the thought of being in love again, and I am a SUCKER for LOVE. Yup, that's me-- the all-believing, martyr of love-- and I suck it. Just when I was about to end this year without ever being reminded by a nostalgic past, I stumbled upon a birthday-- his birthday-- and I find myself going back to where I was some three years ago-- in my room, trying to decide on something which I thought was just something random I had to be over with-- if I had known back then what were to happen in the future, I would've made a different choice. I'm not saying I regret the decisions and choices I have made over the years-- because they were all good ones-- I'm just saying, it would have and could have been BETTER. We could have been friends rather than strangers, happy rather than bitter, and productive rather than just stuck in that moment with nothing, not even a single shot at being a better person. When I look at the past, I thank God for all the right choices I have made, but somehow I also wish I'd made better choices, not only for myself but also for other people. I was selfish, and now I regret being selfish-- I hurt other people, people who would've had better chances at life if only they did not experience the pain of being REJECTED by me-- I was trying my best to let people love me, trying my best to feel that deep sense of belongingness and care, when all I had to do was love myself. I couldn't love people back even if I wanted to, even if I felt like it-- it was just unreal-- because I didn't love myself in the first place. All in all I was messed up. I lost the one guy I thought I truly loved ( I REALLY DID LOVE HIM, and I think I STILL DO) all because I felt he didn’t love me enough, which of course was unfair judgment knowing that no one could really love me enough because I didn't even have love for myself-- I only kept on taking and taking love from others. So he got messed up pretty bad, he started to waste his life, and he shut his heart down (he didn't die, he just shut his emotions and feelings off)-- technically, he turned into the walking dead-- someone who's incapable of feeling anything. I created a monster. He blamed me, his friends blamed me, everybody blamed me-- I even blamed myself for what had happened-- but still the fact remained, I could not change anymore what has been done. It was like I cut him too deep, it's impossible to cure him now. Over the years I found myself growing up not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. I found the strength to go on, I found  GOD, I found myself, and I learned to love myself-- I was now ready to love others, I was now ready to love HIM. The irony in that is the fact that when the time came that I became ready to love him, he was already a cold-hearted stone and far away from ever loving me back. Now that he's turned nineteen (just yesterday, somebody put an effort to remind me-- THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING THAT. Seriously? EVERY YEAR?!) , aside from wishing him all the best in life and all the happiness in the world, I somehow wish I'd be able to talk to him and tell him everything I've been wanting to tell him this past three years. I wish to tell him the I-really-loved-you-I'm-sorry-about-letting-you-go speech and end it with the can-I-be-your-friend peace offering question. After all these years, huh? I guess this proves true the saying: "Love never fades." It never faded, it remained here even at the most trying times, it is still here now, and it will always be here. I never stopped loving or caring for you, that never happened, that would never happen. You see, I just had to somehow take a break and love myself a little bit, love myself more, until I finally learn to fully love myself.