Finally! After a very Merry Christmas, I am so glad to be back home where there's unlimited sleep (nobody bothers to wake me up I can have the bed all to myself for twenty-four hours a day seven days a week), no worries with eating too much (because I don't eat when I don't feel like eating and everybody's okay with that), and the very cliche I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-and-nobody-has-to-care line I have strongly applied in my life for the past eighteen years that I have lived it. Ha! I don't have to be all stuffed up with emotions kept only to myself, I don't have to mind every single expression I make, I don't have to refrain from laughing out loud, I don't have to be somebody else; someone not even close to the real me. I only have to be myself (whoever that is) and I wouldn't worry on being mistaken as rude, I wouldn't be bothered if I were to be misjudged by others, I wouldn't have to live my life based on the standards set by other people for me because I am comfortable where I am at the moment. No, I didn't have the worst Christmas that could have triggered this not-so-merry start of a post, in fact I very much enjoyed my Christmas (believe it or not)-- I just had realizations that I needed to share, emotions that needed to be let out, and of course, my side of the story.
Okay, so maybe that last pre-christmas post seemed awful and just plain horrible-- I mean, just look at the last part where I do all that ranting about how messed up I felt because of my dad-- it's really, really, awful, especially when I read it now I'm like: How did I end up saying those things? Or what just happened back there? It's all too vague a memory to remember. The truth is, I was at that time writing about getting a book and getting all too hyped up with my very first Christmas in this new place. While I was busy doing my own thing, in my own space, my dad suddenly comes up to me and begins his own litany of words I don't understand or let me rephrase that: litany of words I don't ever want to understand. It's that every-other-day routine of negativism, self-pity and discouragement that I don't want to be a part of. Sure, I can listen, I can pay attention. But what I can't stand is the fact that it gets repeated over and over again and you feel like it's time to say: "Hey Dad, that's enough. It's not what you think it is-- you try your best to reason out, and maybe try to make him think about what he is saying or doing. But in the end your efforts fail because you get pissed, you blow up, and you end up having your every-other-day routine of yelling and shouting at each other. It's what I call world's-worst-conversations-ever--- as in ever. I don't know why I even bother to state my side, or why I even bother letting him consider both sides of the situation because I get blown up in the face at the end and it's either I fight back and cry like a child (like that last time) or I just get bored and walk out-- in which either way it all seems disrespectful for a parent (and I wasn't even trying to be disrespectful!). Lesson learned: don't ever try to reason out with parents because whatever your cause is they don't ever want to hear their own self agreeing to what you think is right because they think otherwise (at least that's what mine does).
Well, after all that ruckus I got to say what I needed to say. I got hurt. I cried. I quieted down. And later on I was pretty much able to conceal the sudden pain I had at the sound of those words. But I'm still pissed though, because never in my whole life have I been labeled as such-- I felt like wow so that's what I really am to you Dad-- but then I have to move on because a few more days and it will be the start of yet another journey for me and I wouldn't want to start that journey with bitterness in my heart. So as far as this blog goes, I lay all my emotions down on this post, hoping that what I felt will remain as is-- words on a blog post-- nothing more.
As for my first Christmas here, it was the best-est thing I have ever experienced! (if there ever was a word greater than best) I got to experience the act of selfless love and sharing first hand and it was oh-so-awesome! Of course I was a bit biased when I said I got to experience the act of selfless love, because I received so many gifts! *insert happy face+biggest smile here* Never have I thought that my fucked-up-christmas-feeling would slowly disappear when we arrived at my Uncle's house. To be honest, I was only trying to mask whatever excess baggage I had at the moment because I didn't want to ruin other peoples' feeling of joy and love on Christmas day just because I has a misunderstanding with my dad, little did I know that my small "act" would turn into reality because I for an unknown reason (maybe it was because of the real deal behind Christmas-- Jesus Christ) felt happy. I mean, it was like later on, as I got along with everyone and talked with everyone I forgot what I was feeling and I got to really exercise the Christmas Spirit. I was laughing and cracking jokes like nothing happened before we got there. Thank you God, I believe it was because of Him because for one fact, I wasn't close with them (my father's side of the family) I only had a few selected people that I had close friendships with because of the geographical barrier we all have to deal with, and they were miles away. But, I got along with them (the ones that were there with me this Christmas) just fine. I know, I've said too much already. Point is, He is my greatest gift this Christmas because He gave me more than enough joy, and that joy was the main ingredient to making my Christmas worthwhile.
Before I end my post for this Christmas let me show you some of the photos I took during our Christmas celebration, I hope these will inspire others knowing that no matter how unfair life may seem there is always a God who cares enough to make little-unnoticeable miracles happen.
These are random shots I took of the Christmas decorations inside my Uncle's home. feeling CHRISTMASSY already?
This one here is the Cake which was bought by the girlfriend of my cousin Kuya Matthew. It was bought from Tous les Jours-- I don't know where that is but one thing I know, they sure do make quality cakes! :3 yum
This one Santa over here is my cousin by the way, sorry for the crappy shot-- I was in a hurry to take this one because he was moving and playing with the other kids all around the house.
And let's not forget yours truly :) These shots were taken by my brother just outside the house we live in-- and I have no idea what pose I'm supposed to be making in these photos. I guess these are also random poses. Haha!
My Christmas post ends here. Just when I thought everything seemed to have gone wrong God was there all along, He turned my situation around for the better. Truly Christmas is more than just the gifts and the meal shared together it is more than a commemoration of the birth of Christ-- it is the celebration of the fact that He lived to die for us and our sins, He rose again, and now He is ever present in our lives not just during Christmas but every single day even before the world began. Have a Merry Christmas folks!
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