year ender

                Last 2011 I ended the year with a bang-- celebrating for the first time, Christmas with my family and relatives in Manila. The year before that, 2010, my dad, brothers and I also celebrated our first Christmas in a new apartment after thirteen years of renting that old, haunted-like house, by the side of the road. This year I celebrated my first Christmas with my mom in Rome-- at least the only one that I can and will remember being with her on Christmas Eve. 

                Three consecutive years of change. Every year holds a promise of something new: a new journey, a new place, a new house, new people, a new adventure-- all of which I never dreamed of experiencing. The year 2010 brought us change, 2011 brought us new hope, and 2012 tested our new found hope. In a few more hours, the old year will end and the new one will start, 2013 will overflow with greater promise, and new starts for all of us even for me. Cheers for being alive and for not seeing the anticipated doomsday! I thank God for the numerous blessings, opportunities, and for every promise that He has fulfilled in my life. Truly He holds everything in His hands. Because of Him I will be ending this year with a smile on my face, and a new dream in my heart: the dream to go the distance, and be who He wants me to be. With every walk down a new street, a ride on a newly departing train, and with every sound of a shutter closing, I am slowly but surely realizing where I want to be headed with my life, on that long, winding journey of finding and discovering. Before I end this year, I would like to reminisce the results of my wanderlust, I will be showcasing below some of the shots I took this year. Yes, this has been long overdue, and I apologize, for lack of a better excuse I will just leave my apology at that.

                  These were taken on the transit from Riyadh to Rome, when I had to sit for twelve hours at the waiting area of the King Khaled International Airport, and wait for the sun to show itself.

               Funny story, some Arab women back at the airport's ladies room actually thought I was Arab also (thick eyebrows. they can be deceiving, yes?) They somehow managed to ask me-- in their own language-- why I was dressed that way, you know, jeans and sweats with no head scarf on. Orrr, maybe I was just really breaking the rules or something. Ha! I wouldn't know.

                The next photos were from my first night in Rome, when my mom and I passed by Piazza della Repubblica on the way home after dinner. Piazza della Republicca is one of the tourist attractions in Rome, and I think it's because of the Fontana delle Naiadi-- the fountain located at the center of the circle with the creepiest sculptures ever to be seen by my eyes-- and I say this without malice, but I've got to hand it to the artist for having such wild, vivid imaginations, of naked people sitting on what appears to be a scary horse and ostrich. Well, according to my research, the ostrich is actually a swan, and the naked people are actually nymphs.

                 Anyway that's all I could upload for now. As simple as it may seem, uploading is really kind of a pain in the butt for me since my laptop keeps on blacking out, well technically, it tends to go all white with the screen and all that crap, and I have to wait for a couple of minutes for it to be back on again. I seriously need to buy an external hard drive! I will be one dead girl if my laptop gets fried (God forbid). But it will have to do for now, because I don't have the money to buy myself a hard drive. I also need to start saving up for that prime lens I've been dying to have for more than a year now, but how will I ever save up if I don't even have a job. So I guess 2013 will be good to me, I'll have a job, I'll travel, I'll shoot and I'd somehow, in a sort of different way, be close to being like Nirrimi-- free-spirited and brave. Ha! Like what the pastor said earlier, "Start to ask big from God, because He is no small god." That's exactly what I will do, ask big from Him tonight. So guys, greet the New Year with awesomeness because it will be awesome! I promise to update sooner, and really get back on those long overdue posts.

the Christmas I definitely looked forward to

                 Finally! After a very Merry Christmas, I am so glad to be back home where there's unlimited sleep (nobody bothers to wake me up I can have the bed all to myself for twenty-four hours a day seven days a week), no worries with eating too much (because I don't eat when I don't feel like eating and everybody's okay with that), and the very cliche I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-and-nobody-has-to-care line I have strongly applied in my life for the past eighteen years that I have lived it. Ha! I don't have to be all stuffed up with emotions kept only to myself, I don't have to mind every single expression I make, I don't have to refrain from laughing out loud, I don't have to be somebody else; someone not even close to the real me. I only have to be myself (whoever that is) and I wouldn't worry on being mistaken as rude, I wouldn't be bothered if I were to be misjudged by others, I wouldn't have to live my life based on the standards set by other people for me because I am comfortable where I am at the moment. No, I didn't have the worst Christmas that could have triggered this not-so-merry start of a post, in fact I very much enjoyed my Christmas (believe it or not)-- I just had realizations that I needed to share, emotions that needed to be let out, and of course, my side of the story.

                    Okay, so maybe that last pre-christmas post seemed awful and just plain horrible-- I mean, just look at the last part where I do all that ranting about how messed up I felt because of my dad-- it's really, really, awful, especially when I read it now I'm like: How did I end up saying those things? Or what just happened back there? It's all too vague a memory to remember. The truth is, I was at that time writing about getting a book and getting all too hyped up with my very first Christmas in this new place. While I was busy doing my own thing, in my own space, my dad suddenly comes up to me and begins his own litany of words I don't understand or let me rephrase that: litany of words I don't ever want to understand. It's that every-other-day routine of negativism, self-pity and discouragement that I don't want to be a part of. Sure, I can listen, I can pay attention. But what I can't stand is the fact that it gets repeated over and over again and you feel like it's time to say: "Hey Dad, that's enough. It's not what you think it is-- you try your best to reason out, and maybe try to make him think about what he is saying or doing. But in the end your efforts fail because you get pissed, you blow up, and you end up having your every-other-day routine of yelling and shouting at each other. It's what I call world's-worst-conversations-ever--- as in ever. I don't know why I even bother to state my side, or why I even bother letting him consider both sides of the situation because I get blown up in the face at the end and it's either I fight back and cry like a child (like that last time) or I just get bored and walk out-- in which either way it all seems disrespectful for a parent (and I wasn't even trying to be disrespectful!). Lesson learned: don't ever try to reason out with parents because whatever your cause is they don't ever want to hear their own self agreeing to what you think is right because they think otherwise (at least that's what mine does).

                     Well, after all that ruckus I got to say what I needed to say. I got hurt. I cried. I quieted down. And later on I was pretty much able to conceal the sudden pain I had at the sound of those words.  But I'm still pissed though, because never in my whole life have I been labeled as such-- I felt like wow so that's what I really am to you Dad-- but then I have to move on because a few more days and it will be the start of yet another journey for me and I wouldn't want to start that journey with bitterness in my heart. So as far as this blog goes, I lay all my emotions down on this post, hoping that what I felt will remain as is-- words on a blog post-- nothing more.

                     As for my first Christmas here, it was the best-est thing I have ever experienced! (if there ever was a word greater than best) I got to experience the act of selfless love and sharing first hand and it was oh-so-awesome! Of course I was a bit biased when I said I got to experience the act of selfless love, because I received so many gifts! *insert happy face+biggest smile here* Never have I thought that my fucked-up-christmas-feeling would slowly disappear when we arrived at my Uncle's house. To be honest, I was only trying to mask whatever excess baggage I had at the moment because I didn't want to ruin other peoples' feeling of joy and love on Christmas day just because I has a misunderstanding with my dad, little did I know that my small "act" would turn into reality because I for an unknown reason (maybe it was because of the real deal behind Christmas-- Jesus Christ) felt happy. I mean, it was like later on, as I got along with everyone and talked with everyone I forgot what I was feeling and I got to really exercise the Christmas Spirit. I was laughing and cracking jokes like nothing happened before we got there. Thank you God, I believe it was because of Him because for one fact, I wasn't close with them (my father's side of the family) I only had a few selected people that I had close friendships with because of the geographical barrier we all have to deal with, and they were miles away. But, I got along with them (the ones that were there with me this Christmas) just fine. I know, I've said too much already. Point is, He is my greatest gift this Christmas because He gave me more than enough joy, and that joy was the main ingredient to making my Christmas worthwhile.

                     Before I end my post for this Christmas let me show you some of the photos I took during our Christmas celebration, I hope these will inspire others knowing that no matter how unfair life may seem there is always a God who cares enough to make little-unnoticeable miracles happen.

These are random shots I took of the Christmas decorations inside my Uncle's home. feeling CHRISTMASSY already?

               This one here is the Cake which was bought by the girlfriend of my cousin Kuya Matthew. It was bought from Tous les Jours-- I don't know where that is but one thing I know, they sure do make quality cakes! :3 yum 

                 This one Santa over here is my cousin by the way, sorry for the crappy shot-- I was in a hurry to take this one because he was moving and playing with the other kids all around the house.

                        And let's not forget yours truly :) These shots were taken by my brother just outside the house we live in-- and I have no idea what pose I'm supposed to be making in these photos. I guess these are also random poses. Haha!

                       My Christmas post ends here. Just when I thought everything seemed to have gone wrong God was there all along, He turned my situation around for the better. Truly Christmas is more than just the gifts and the meal shared together it is more than a commemoration of the birth of Christ-- it is the celebration of the fact that He lived to die for us and our sins, He rose again, and now He is ever present in our lives not just during Christmas but every single day even before the world began. Have a Merry Christmas folks!

a Christmas I wouldn't bother looking forward to

                    In twelve hours or so it's going to be Christmas. My dad, two brothers and I are going to spend Christmas over at our Kaka Yaning's house (he is the older brother of my dad) I don't know why we call him Kaka though, I think that's a Spanish term because my great grandparents are Spanish, anyways that's where we are going in a few short hours and I'm dead excited for our first ever Christmas here in the big city of Manila! I even bought a red blouse to wear for tonight-- talk about being too CHRISTMASSY! We also bought gifts and wrapped them in red christmas wrappers, to give later to our manito and manita-- that's what we call people whom we picked out from the exchanging of gifts. I'm hoping to get a book for this Christmas, as many of you do not know, I am a bookworm. Yes, I love to read. Aside from blogging, writing and stuff on the net, I spend most of my leisure time reading, but I don't read super thick books in between semesters because I am a failure at catching up on something such as a very long story with so many characters and so many events. It's either I forget the story or I get bored. At the most I can finish a Jude Deveraux classic in 1 day tops, that is how much of a bookworm I can be, I set aside eating just to read the whole of the story. I do wonder if that is something to be considered as bad. I have been planning to buy a really good book this year, as a gift to myself, but unfortunately, I only come close to crappy ones sold at cheaper prices. I know, a bookworm who owns crappy books, but on the brighter side I don't have to spend too much money on very good reads, as they can be borrowed anytime from very good friends. But on that note of spending too much for a good book, well, I have in a way. I have spent much money on buying quality books for other people, and not for myself. I know, it is indeed a sad fact. Well, so much for this talk on books and being a bookworm, the whole point is I really wish to get a book this Christmas, I hope the person who picked me out would be wise enough to buy me a book rather than lip gloss or other beauty related products, really. All my life people who would give me gifts would give me something based on their outward impression of me and I'm not being ungrateful, I'm thankful for what I have received over the years its just that it would be nice to receive something that really defines me on the inside for a change. But I guess all this talk on how I badly want a book for Christmas is getting me nowhere! *insert LOL face here* I really want a book (again for the nth time), but I'm more stressed as to how I will get my butt down to the church I go to tomorrow when I will be miles away from it. Books or church I'd still go for church and I'm just sad and a bit annoyed at how my dad responded to my reaction. He was like: "Bring extra clothes." And I was like: "Why? Are we not coming back here for church tomorrow?", and he was like: "Are you serious?! They [people] will be tired by tomorrow because of Christmas", and I was like: "Okay, don't go, I will go." Then he starts talking to his brother on the phone how I can be so nagging because I'm forcing him to come to church with me because I have my friends back at church I look forward to seeing. Say what now?!!!! Where the hell did the "friends" start to come in?! I don't go to church because of  friends, I would never go to church because of friends. And right now he's telling me hurtful things I don't ever want to hear especially that it will be Christmas hours from now and my oh-so-Christmassy-feeling would be all gone because of what he is telling me. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to cry, I don't want to ruin my day but it's like how did I get into this picture? It's your life, your fault, why the hell did you even drag me into it, not to mention now that I'm just starting to get all Christmassy with everything?! Thanks Dad. You just ruined my almost perfect day. Now I'm all fucked up and I want no part of this Christmas Season you are having.