a walk of faith

                     I've been planning to write this past week but I was just too busy with the visa follow-ups, the birth certificates that seemed to be stuck somewhere else, and everything else in between. My oh my has it been so long, and yet time just seems to fly so fast. Four months ago I thought I was just wasting my time on the impossible, that is why at the back of my head I was somehow begging for time to freeze, to slow down, to preserve itself although I knew that all those things would just make everything seem longer. I wanted my time back-- the days spent waiting for nothing, when in fact it should have been spent walking the streets of another country-- I wanted it all to rewind itself. But then the common realization that if time did stop, if I had it all back, then our papers wouldn't go anywhere, there wouldn't be progress, and I'd be stuck in the same rut throughout the whole time-- made me accept the fact that time had to go on even if I didn't want it to. Fast forward to two months later, I was now at the center of the whole fixing process, I wanted immediate results, so instead of praying for time to run slow, I now wanted time to speed up like lightning, but I guess everything that happens in life, happens for a purpose-- what I got instead of a rabbit-racing time, was time slower than a turtle-- days seemed like weeks, and weeks seemed like months. Everything felt delayed, everything felt so wrong. Time was ticking so slow I wondered if I'd ever make it in time for the deadlines that awaited me. Again, fast forward to two months later, I was at the brink of my own self, just when I thought everything was going well and was in exact timing as planned, a lot of unexplainable issues just came out of nowhere, warning me of probable disappointment, but even so I NEVER GAVE UP. Fast forward to now, just two days ago I went to the embassy thinking it wouldn't be my last time to go there because I was only going to have a follow-up of the last requirement I faxed and was also going to ask for further instructions. I went alone, yes, you read right-- for the first time, I had the courage to go alone. Before leaving the house my dad prayed over me and my trip to go well, and he CLEARLY prayed it'd be the last time I pay a visit to the embassy, I could still remember that I told him that day that it won't be the last time because I won't receive the visas yet (as I said I was just doing some follow-up work). I arrived minutes earlier than the usual schedule and I had to wait, I waited hours, and I was kinda wondering why I wasn't called, until I was the only one left in the room. I didn't even bother to ask, not until two late clients came, and they were called before my name was ever mentioned. It somehow felt stupid waiting there for hours and I don't even get to hear a mention of my name. So after the last person got called I went straight to the counter and asked if they received my paper, I was told to wait. Minutes later my name was finally called, and the guy told me they were already processing our visas and would soon mail it to our address, before my booking schedule. For a moment I was at a loss for words. I stood there like a person in a trance and I just stared at the guy behind the counter. All that information overload. It was wow. So then I went home, and minute after minute everything just started to sink in. Four months ago I never would have thought I was going to make it this far, it was beyond myself to think that, our visas that time seemed impossible, and leaving my studies was a major gamble decision I had to live with for the rest of my life. Four months ago I started learning all about being led by the Holy Spirit, it was a series teaching being preached at the church that time, and it was in perfect timing with the processing of our papers. When that teaching started I never thought it in myself that I would finish the whole series, because I thought I was leaving so soon. The visa processing only took two weeks and we had each document prepared beforehand. I never thought I'd actually finish and even apply the whole series teaching in my life, in my walk with God, and in our visas. I didn't see what was laid ahead before me but God did-- He already knew from the start that we were going to have discrepancies with our papers, He knew I needed the series teaching to act as my guide in the long road I will take, He knew everything. If not for the series teaching growing inside me I don't know what decisions I would've made months ago. The series taught me how to listen to the still small voice inside my heart that encompasses all truth and bears witness to the Holy Spirit that I have a living God. Yes, this may sound weird, but I tell you it is all truth. It was not just coincidence. It could have been if it only happened once or twice, but all throughout my journey the teaching went on and on until I have finally allowed myself to hear and to listen more to the voice every time I don't know what to do. Right from the start I knew I was going to go, I knew it in my heart that I would be travelling to Rome, but then, all those problems that arose, the discrepancies, what the facts told me, what people advised, what the experts said, they gave me doubts about our visas and it created fear in me, fear that I'd regret every decision I make. I was so confused to the point that I didn't want to think anymore, because if I was ever going to make a decision based on practicality then I shouldn't have pushed through with the papers, it was achievable by only about 30 percent compared to the 70 percent unobtainable that lingered the whole time. It was as I call it, a walk of faith. Every physical aspect of that journey yielded negativity, all the stats were down, even the 6-month deadline seemed more impossible than my skin going from tan to fair (I always compare every impossible thing to my skin because none could be more impossible than me having white skin). No one in his right mind would give up a year's studies to process something that didn't even have a 50 percent chance-- it was just crazy! The embassy specifically told us to provide the needed document in six months tops or even before that, but they also told us that there was no assurance that we could have our visas. We just tried, and we even had to literally tell people to hurry things up, because we had a deadline or something, but there was none we could do, a process was a process, and we had to wait. I had no assurance from anyone that I was going to get our visas-- no one. But I had God's word in my heart, I had peace, and I knew I was gonna have it if not the world's way, then God's way. I remember the day I had to decide whether I'd enroll or not this semester, I was crying because I didn't know what to do, then a sudden still came over me and in that instant I knew I had to give up my enrollment and just push through with the papers. As the series went on, I discovered it was God telling me things will be alright, I just had to trust Him as He leads me. In those four months I never expected I'd be making friends, let alone get involved in a ministry. I've been staying here for two years but the only friends I had were limited to five. Seriously. But as to how I gained friends, and how I got involved in the ministry, I'll do that on another post. For now, you know my story, I have to sleep, and well, be blessed. I may not know your story, you may not know it also, but I am 100 percent sure God does.

the Christmas I definitely looked forward to

                 Finally! After a very Merry Christmas, I am so glad to be back home where there's unlimited sleep (nobody bothers to wake me up I can have the bed all to myself for twenty-four hours a day seven days a week), no worries with eating too much (because I don't eat when I don't feel like eating and everybody's okay with that), and the very cliche I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-and-nobody-has-to-care line I have strongly applied in my life for the past eighteen years that I have lived it. Ha! I don't have to be all stuffed up with emotions kept only to myself, I don't have to mind every single expression I make, I don't have to refrain from laughing out loud, I don't have to be somebody else; someone not even close to the real me. I only have to be myself (whoever that is) and I wouldn't worry on being mistaken as rude, I wouldn't be bothered if I were to be misjudged by others, I wouldn't have to live my life based on the standards set by other people for me because I am comfortable where I am at the moment. No, I didn't have the worst Christmas that could have triggered this not-so-merry start of a post, in fact I very much enjoyed my Christmas (believe it or not)-- I just had realizations that I needed to share, emotions that needed to be let out, and of course, my side of the story.

                    Okay, so maybe that last pre-christmas post seemed awful and just plain horrible-- I mean, just look at the last part where I do all that ranting about how messed up I felt because of my dad-- it's really, really, awful, especially when I read it now I'm like: How did I end up saying those things? Or what just happened back there? It's all too vague a memory to remember. The truth is, I was at that time writing about getting a book and getting all too hyped up with my very first Christmas in this new place. While I was busy doing my own thing, in my own space, my dad suddenly comes up to me and begins his own litany of words I don't understand or let me rephrase that: litany of words I don't ever want to understand. It's that every-other-day routine of negativism, self-pity and discouragement that I don't want to be a part of. Sure, I can listen, I can pay attention. But what I can't stand is the fact that it gets repeated over and over again and you feel like it's time to say: "Hey Dad, that's enough. It's not what you think it is-- you try your best to reason out, and maybe try to make him think about what he is saying or doing. But in the end your efforts fail because you get pissed, you blow up, and you end up having your every-other-day routine of yelling and shouting at each other. It's what I call world's-worst-conversations-ever--- as in ever. I don't know why I even bother to state my side, or why I even bother letting him consider both sides of the situation because I get blown up in the face at the end and it's either I fight back and cry like a child (like that last time) or I just get bored and walk out-- in which either way it all seems disrespectful for a parent (and I wasn't even trying to be disrespectful!). Lesson learned: don't ever try to reason out with parents because whatever your cause is they don't ever want to hear their own self agreeing to what you think is right because they think otherwise (at least that's what mine does).

                     Well, after all that ruckus I got to say what I needed to say. I got hurt. I cried. I quieted down. And later on I was pretty much able to conceal the sudden pain I had at the sound of those words.  But I'm still pissed though, because never in my whole life have I been labeled as such-- I felt like wow so that's what I really am to you Dad-- but then I have to move on because a few more days and it will be the start of yet another journey for me and I wouldn't want to start that journey with bitterness in my heart. So as far as this blog goes, I lay all my emotions down on this post, hoping that what I felt will remain as is-- words on a blog post-- nothing more.

                     As for my first Christmas here, it was the best-est thing I have ever experienced! (if there ever was a word greater than best) I got to experience the act of selfless love and sharing first hand and it was oh-so-awesome! Of course I was a bit biased when I said I got to experience the act of selfless love, because I received so many gifts! *insert happy face+biggest smile here* Never have I thought that my fucked-up-christmas-feeling would slowly disappear when we arrived at my Uncle's house. To be honest, I was only trying to mask whatever excess baggage I had at the moment because I didn't want to ruin other peoples' feeling of joy and love on Christmas day just because I has a misunderstanding with my dad, little did I know that my small "act" would turn into reality because I for an unknown reason (maybe it was because of the real deal behind Christmas-- Jesus Christ) felt happy. I mean, it was like later on, as I got along with everyone and talked with everyone I forgot what I was feeling and I got to really exercise the Christmas Spirit. I was laughing and cracking jokes like nothing happened before we got there. Thank you God, I believe it was because of Him because for one fact, I wasn't close with them (my father's side of the family) I only had a few selected people that I had close friendships with because of the geographical barrier we all have to deal with, and they were miles away. But, I got along with them (the ones that were there with me this Christmas) just fine. I know, I've said too much already. Point is, He is my greatest gift this Christmas because He gave me more than enough joy, and that joy was the main ingredient to making my Christmas worthwhile.

                     Before I end my post for this Christmas let me show you some of the photos I took during our Christmas celebration, I hope these will inspire others knowing that no matter how unfair life may seem there is always a God who cares enough to make little-unnoticeable miracles happen.

These are random shots I took of the Christmas decorations inside my Uncle's home. feeling CHRISTMASSY already?

               This one here is the Cake which was bought by the girlfriend of my cousin Kuya Matthew. It was bought from Tous les Jours-- I don't know where that is but one thing I know, they sure do make quality cakes! :3 yum 

                 This one Santa over here is my cousin by the way, sorry for the crappy shot-- I was in a hurry to take this one because he was moving and playing with the other kids all around the house.

                        And let's not forget yours truly :) These shots were taken by my brother just outside the house we live in-- and I have no idea what pose I'm supposed to be making in these photos. I guess these are also random poses. Haha!

                       My Christmas post ends here. Just when I thought everything seemed to have gone wrong God was there all along, He turned my situation around for the better. Truly Christmas is more than just the gifts and the meal shared together it is more than a commemoration of the birth of Christ-- it is the celebration of the fact that He lived to die for us and our sins, He rose again, and now He is ever present in our lives not just during Christmas but every single day even before the world began. Have a Merry Christmas folks!