dusty dreams

                  If I were in Leyte right now, I'd be on that big chair by the doorway, sitting like an Indian with crossed legs, I'd watch the sun set from a distance, marveling at the colors of the sky that are gradually changing, thinking to myself how awesome the Creator is, for life on earth has definitely been beautiful. I would be right at the shore letting my senses get the best of me, hoping to get a quick dip in the water, then eat avocado afterwards with our brown puppy who is strangely a fan of sweet smelling fruit. I would count the number of days I have left to stay and whine at my Aunt for the short-lived time. But I'm not in Leyte anymore, I can't stay and I can't whine for the limited time I have because I'm already here. The breathless take of the rising of the sun will forever be a distant memory, the tangible feel of the still water on my skin will be but a dream, and the scorching heat of the sun on my face will remain to be a sting that is not really there. I'm not close to the sea now as I was days ago, and I would never be close to it again. I can't feel the roughness of the sand in my feet, nor the stickiness of the ocean breeze on my hair. There's no more deafening silence for me, nor the choir of crickets at night, there's only me in a four cornered room feeling so far from existence and far from my own reality. 

journey home

                    I did it! I've added several of my journal entries to my blog *YEY ME* but, on a side note, those were just pure, wordy, entries that say so much about how I think and feel, they don't really have pictures or whatever except for that one happy birthday post. Nevertheless, I still made a little progress. So anyway, I just learned earlier that I would have to fly all the way to Leyte next week because I need to personally file the Petition for Clerical Error at the Local Civil Registry-- my mom called-- and this is not such a great news for me. Although most of my childhood and high school friends are there I won't be going there to hang-out with them anyway, so I'd have to erase those exciting thoughts of bonding from my mind and stick to the main purpose why I'm being sent there-- to fix what needed fixing, which was our Birth Certificates. Just when I thought I could finally give up worrying about the papers because we seem to have found a way out of the whole process, something backfires and the situation slaps me in the face like cold ice, not to mention the deadline we've been chasing after. A month has passed and we still haven't done anything yet, we still haven't even started to file that Petition yet. Money and time has been wasted here and there, but no results come in, only more complications. If I could only chop or maybe part my body in numbers I would, so that while two of me are securing follow-up documents, other parts would make sure the Petition goes well. It feels hard to be alone. I know people are helping, relatives, and friends, but I still feel it's a one man or woman struggle. Good thing it's God who is struggling for me now. I wouldn't put all the burden on myself because I can't take it, like seriously, it's way too much for me. All the processing, all the what ifs, and all the stress they've been driving me nuts for the couple of weeks. There are moments when I suddenly wake up in the middle of my sleep because of a bad dream, which believe it or not is always related to our documents. Its either that or I just wake up due to a heavy heart, my has this taken a toll on my body! Even in my subconscious I know and I feel that the one thing that has been in it for months now, is our visa, because my mind is always thinking about it even at times when I don't want it to. But even though this is how the situation goes, I am hopeful, and I will continue to be hopeful. I will indeed be able to process that Petition, I will have my visa ahead of time and I will go and have my long awaited summer! I can't just let the forces of negativity take my summer away from me this year! For months I've been dying to go out to the beach, and bathe in the cool, salty, sea water, and just lay there in the sand enjoying the glaring heat of the sun on my skin while listening to some cool Caribbean vibe-- nothing and no one is going to stop me from having that summer that even Mother Nature. The best of luck to me and my journey to change the name of my mom on our Birth Certificates. I know God will be with me, and favor upon favor will be with me.