a walk of faith

                     I've been planning to write this past week but I was just too busy with the visa follow-ups, the birth certificates that seemed to be stuck somewhere else, and everything else in between. My oh my has it been so long, and yet time just seems to fly so fast. Four months ago I thought I was just wasting my time on the impossible, that is why at the back of my head I was somehow begging for time to freeze, to slow down, to preserve itself although I knew that all those things would just make everything seem longer. I wanted my time back-- the days spent waiting for nothing, when in fact it should have been spent walking the streets of another country-- I wanted it all to rewind itself. But then the common realization that if time did stop, if I had it all back, then our papers wouldn't go anywhere, there wouldn't be progress, and I'd be stuck in the same rut throughout the whole time-- made me accept the fact that time had to go on even if I didn't want it to. Fast forward to two months later, I was now at the center of the whole fixing process, I wanted immediate results, so instead of praying for time to run slow, I now wanted time to speed up like lightning, but I guess everything that happens in life, happens for a purpose-- what I got instead of a rabbit-racing time, was time slower than a turtle-- days seemed like weeks, and weeks seemed like months. Everything felt delayed, everything felt so wrong. Time was ticking so slow I wondered if I'd ever make it in time for the deadlines that awaited me. Again, fast forward to two months later, I was at the brink of my own self, just when I thought everything was going well and was in exact timing as planned, a lot of unexplainable issues just came out of nowhere, warning me of probable disappointment, but even so I NEVER GAVE UP. Fast forward to now, just two days ago I went to the embassy thinking it wouldn't be my last time to go there because I was only going to have a follow-up of the last requirement I faxed and was also going to ask for further instructions. I went alone, yes, you read right-- for the first time, I had the courage to go alone. Before leaving the house my dad prayed over me and my trip to go well, and he CLEARLY prayed it'd be the last time I pay a visit to the embassy, I could still remember that I told him that day that it won't be the last time because I won't receive the visas yet (as I said I was just doing some follow-up work). I arrived minutes earlier than the usual schedule and I had to wait, I waited hours, and I was kinda wondering why I wasn't called, until I was the only one left in the room. I didn't even bother to ask, not until two late clients came, and they were called before my name was ever mentioned. It somehow felt stupid waiting there for hours and I don't even get to hear a mention of my name. So after the last person got called I went straight to the counter and asked if they received my paper, I was told to wait. Minutes later my name was finally called, and the guy told me they were already processing our visas and would soon mail it to our address, before my booking schedule. For a moment I was at a loss for words. I stood there like a person in a trance and I just stared at the guy behind the counter. All that information overload. It was wow. So then I went home, and minute after minute everything just started to sink in. Four months ago I never would have thought I was going to make it this far, it was beyond myself to think that, our visas that time seemed impossible, and leaving my studies was a major gamble decision I had to live with for the rest of my life. Four months ago I started learning all about being led by the Holy Spirit, it was a series teaching being preached at the church that time, and it was in perfect timing with the processing of our papers. When that teaching started I never thought it in myself that I would finish the whole series, because I thought I was leaving so soon. The visa processing only took two weeks and we had each document prepared beforehand. I never thought I'd actually finish and even apply the whole series teaching in my life, in my walk with God, and in our visas. I didn't see what was laid ahead before me but God did-- He already knew from the start that we were going to have discrepancies with our papers, He knew I needed the series teaching to act as my guide in the long road I will take, He knew everything. If not for the series teaching growing inside me I don't know what decisions I would've made months ago. The series taught me how to listen to the still small voice inside my heart that encompasses all truth and bears witness to the Holy Spirit that I have a living God. Yes, this may sound weird, but I tell you it is all truth. It was not just coincidence. It could have been if it only happened once or twice, but all throughout my journey the teaching went on and on until I have finally allowed myself to hear and to listen more to the voice every time I don't know what to do. Right from the start I knew I was going to go, I knew it in my heart that I would be travelling to Rome, but then, all those problems that arose, the discrepancies, what the facts told me, what people advised, what the experts said, they gave me doubts about our visas and it created fear in me, fear that I'd regret every decision I make. I was so confused to the point that I didn't want to think anymore, because if I was ever going to make a decision based on practicality then I shouldn't have pushed through with the papers, it was achievable by only about 30 percent compared to the 70 percent unobtainable that lingered the whole time. It was as I call it, a walk of faith. Every physical aspect of that journey yielded negativity, all the stats were down, even the 6-month deadline seemed more impossible than my skin going from tan to fair (I always compare every impossible thing to my skin because none could be more impossible than me having white skin). No one in his right mind would give up a year's studies to process something that didn't even have a 50 percent chance-- it was just crazy! The embassy specifically told us to provide the needed document in six months tops or even before that, but they also told us that there was no assurance that we could have our visas. We just tried, and we even had to literally tell people to hurry things up, because we had a deadline or something, but there was none we could do, a process was a process, and we had to wait. I had no assurance from anyone that I was going to get our visas-- no one. But I had God's word in my heart, I had peace, and I knew I was gonna have it if not the world's way, then God's way. I remember the day I had to decide whether I'd enroll or not this semester, I was crying because I didn't know what to do, then a sudden still came over me and in that instant I knew I had to give up my enrollment and just push through with the papers. As the series went on, I discovered it was God telling me things will be alright, I just had to trust Him as He leads me. In those four months I never expected I'd be making friends, let alone get involved in a ministry. I've been staying here for two years but the only friends I had were limited to five. Seriously. But as to how I gained friends, and how I got involved in the ministry, I'll do that on another post. For now, you know my story, I have to sleep, and well, be blessed. I may not know your story, you may not know it also, but I am 100 percent sure God does.

metaphors

                  I haven't been in here since--well, since I last posted which is like almost two months ago. A lot has come and gone, I can't really say it's good to be back because honestly I'm quite stressed, which is the main reason why i'm here writing and I don't even want to talk about how I could just write down in my journal because seriously, I've been keeping this up for so long, and it's adding to the stress. Okay, so that was a major stress-inducing line I just wrote. Anyways, so yeah, a lot has come and gone but the one thing that would never leave me so far, is the crazy, contagious, stress that has been building itself up. (Another stress-inducing line) Forgive me for all this ruckus that I'm well deliberate about causing, it's just so hard, having no one to talk to-- or having someone to talk to, but not really someone who could help nor understand my situation. Let me just say it is so hard to be a Filipino citizen! Seriously. And I don't even mean to be racial or something, its just a fact I have learned to take in for the two months I've been processing papers. It is that easy for an American to come here in the Philippines, or other countries, while it is equally difficult for us Filipinos to go to U.S.A or other non-Asian countries. And I won't even expound on how unfair it feels because it is unfair. Sure, it's all comply this and that, and like what a friend of my mom told me "It's as simple as submitting requirements for a school project", and honestly it is, its a no-brainer. You just have to get the right documents and submit them. As simple as that. But my oh my, is it well-versed in simple complications, everything and everyone is strict about everything. Don't get me wrong, of course every nation or country needs to be strict about everything especially if its not just a tourist visa, who knows one might be a syndicate or worse, a terrorist. But its all just complicated crap. Its like trying to submit a blank sheet of paper to your English teacher for a graduation requirement, but the blank sheet of paper doesn't happen to be just any paper, it should have its own brand, white in color, with a specific size, with a specific width, with specific weight and eco features, and you'd have to submit it on time for someone to pick it up, and your grade doesn't come after a few days, it comes after a couple of weeks when everything is sorted out, and when the teacher has agreed that the paper you just sent, was exactly the paper he was looking for-- which I failed to mention is a personalized, paper that happens to be non-existing. You'd have to pre-order the paper, and get the resources for yourself, which is technically located in different areas of the state, and no, an online order doesn't count. So, instead of just buying an Oxford paper from the Paper store, you'd have to literally travel far to get the raw materials, one by one, have them processed at a manufacturer and wait for several days until the paper is out. Then you'd need to have a brand for the paper like every other product, file for it, wait until the file is granted, only then can you submit the paper to your English teacher. But it doesn't end there, because when your teacher discovers that your sheet of paper has a spec or a tiny crease, he gives it back to you, and you'd have to go through the whole process again. And by that time, well, the graduation is done, and you didn't get to graduate. Now this does not happen in school, but this is a metaphorical way of putting how the visa processing goes. And well, I'm now at the spec-and-crease-return policy of the teacher. So it does suck to be me.