a walk of faith

                     I've been planning to write this past week but I was just too busy with the visa follow-ups, the birth certificates that seemed to be stuck somewhere else, and everything else in between. My oh my has it been so long, and yet time just seems to fly so fast. Four months ago I thought I was just wasting my time on the impossible, that is why at the back of my head I was somehow begging for time to freeze, to slow down, to preserve itself although I knew that all those things would just make everything seem longer. I wanted my time back-- the days spent waiting for nothing, when in fact it should have been spent walking the streets of another country-- I wanted it all to rewind itself. But then the common realization that if time did stop, if I had it all back, then our papers wouldn't go anywhere, there wouldn't be progress, and I'd be stuck in the same rut throughout the whole time-- made me accept the fact that time had to go on even if I didn't want it to. Fast forward to two months later, I was now at the center of the whole fixing process, I wanted immediate results, so instead of praying for time to run slow, I now wanted time to speed up like lightning, but I guess everything that happens in life, happens for a purpose-- what I got instead of a rabbit-racing time, was time slower than a turtle-- days seemed like weeks, and weeks seemed like months. Everything felt delayed, everything felt so wrong. Time was ticking so slow I wondered if I'd ever make it in time for the deadlines that awaited me. Again, fast forward to two months later, I was at the brink of my own self, just when I thought everything was going well and was in exact timing as planned, a lot of unexplainable issues just came out of nowhere, warning me of probable disappointment, but even so I NEVER GAVE UP. Fast forward to now, just two days ago I went to the embassy thinking it wouldn't be my last time to go there because I was only going to have a follow-up of the last requirement I faxed and was also going to ask for further instructions. I went alone, yes, you read right-- for the first time, I had the courage to go alone. Before leaving the house my dad prayed over me and my trip to go well, and he CLEARLY prayed it'd be the last time I pay a visit to the embassy, I could still remember that I told him that day that it won't be the last time because I won't receive the visas yet (as I said I was just doing some follow-up work). I arrived minutes earlier than the usual schedule and I had to wait, I waited hours, and I was kinda wondering why I wasn't called, until I was the only one left in the room. I didn't even bother to ask, not until two late clients came, and they were called before my name was ever mentioned. It somehow felt stupid waiting there for hours and I don't even get to hear a mention of my name. So after the last person got called I went straight to the counter and asked if they received my paper, I was told to wait. Minutes later my name was finally called, and the guy told me they were already processing our visas and would soon mail it to our address, before my booking schedule. For a moment I was at a loss for words. I stood there like a person in a trance and I just stared at the guy behind the counter. All that information overload. It was wow. So then I went home, and minute after minute everything just started to sink in. Four months ago I never would have thought I was going to make it this far, it was beyond myself to think that, our visas that time seemed impossible, and leaving my studies was a major gamble decision I had to live with for the rest of my life. Four months ago I started learning all about being led by the Holy Spirit, it was a series teaching being preached at the church that time, and it was in perfect timing with the processing of our papers. When that teaching started I never thought it in myself that I would finish the whole series, because I thought I was leaving so soon. The visa processing only took two weeks and we had each document prepared beforehand. I never thought I'd actually finish and even apply the whole series teaching in my life, in my walk with God, and in our visas. I didn't see what was laid ahead before me but God did-- He already knew from the start that we were going to have discrepancies with our papers, He knew I needed the series teaching to act as my guide in the long road I will take, He knew everything. If not for the series teaching growing inside me I don't know what decisions I would've made months ago. The series taught me how to listen to the still small voice inside my heart that encompasses all truth and bears witness to the Holy Spirit that I have a living God. Yes, this may sound weird, but I tell you it is all truth. It was not just coincidence. It could have been if it only happened once or twice, but all throughout my journey the teaching went on and on until I have finally allowed myself to hear and to listen more to the voice every time I don't know what to do. Right from the start I knew I was going to go, I knew it in my heart that I would be travelling to Rome, but then, all those problems that arose, the discrepancies, what the facts told me, what people advised, what the experts said, they gave me doubts about our visas and it created fear in me, fear that I'd regret every decision I make. I was so confused to the point that I didn't want to think anymore, because if I was ever going to make a decision based on practicality then I shouldn't have pushed through with the papers, it was achievable by only about 30 percent compared to the 70 percent unobtainable that lingered the whole time. It was as I call it, a walk of faith. Every physical aspect of that journey yielded negativity, all the stats were down, even the 6-month deadline seemed more impossible than my skin going from tan to fair (I always compare every impossible thing to my skin because none could be more impossible than me having white skin). No one in his right mind would give up a year's studies to process something that didn't even have a 50 percent chance-- it was just crazy! The embassy specifically told us to provide the needed document in six months tops or even before that, but they also told us that there was no assurance that we could have our visas. We just tried, and we even had to literally tell people to hurry things up, because we had a deadline or something, but there was none we could do, a process was a process, and we had to wait. I had no assurance from anyone that I was going to get our visas-- no one. But I had God's word in my heart, I had peace, and I knew I was gonna have it if not the world's way, then God's way. I remember the day I had to decide whether I'd enroll or not this semester, I was crying because I didn't know what to do, then a sudden still came over me and in that instant I knew I had to give up my enrollment and just push through with the papers. As the series went on, I discovered it was God telling me things will be alright, I just had to trust Him as He leads me. In those four months I never expected I'd be making friends, let alone get involved in a ministry. I've been staying here for two years but the only friends I had were limited to five. Seriously. But as to how I gained friends, and how I got involved in the ministry, I'll do that on another post. For now, you know my story, I have to sleep, and well, be blessed. I may not know your story, you may not know it also, but I am 100 percent sure God does.

putting faith

                                   I'm sorry. I was the one praying a sincere and very honest prayer, and yet I'm the one who worries deeply about what I have to do next, and what God is going to do. It sucks. I know. But anyway, I have decided on continuing my deep faith in God and on what He can do. I won't limit my God-- that's what I told myself earlier. Though I must say I'm a bit confused as to whether or not I should stay idle about it and not do anything. I believe that God also wants me to do my part-- have deep faith in Him and-- I don't know what to do next. Should I just sit down and relax while God is doing His thing? Or should I just make a teeny tiny move, like talking to someone or do some things. Oh my! I think I'm lost, but I also think I'm right where He wants me to be right now. Patience is something that I should learn to love and develop. God wants me to wait and see what He's going to do next-- I'm not doing that right now with all these tension inside, eager to make sure whether or not God will help me with this thing-- but I know He will. And so, I raise my hands up, look to the skies and try to stop worrying! I have put my faith in God the first time I prayed about that camera, and just because something doesn't seem to be happening yet, doesn't mean I should give up on that faith! I need to give it time, need to relax a bit and let God show His awesomeness!

-- this is still applicable to my situation now although its been a year.

a series of unfortunate events

               Today has really been one hell of a day for me, because literally I've been little-miss-series-of-unfortunate-events. I don't even want to talk about the "unfortunate" part of it because I tell you it's all too brutal and all too socially humiliating. I was so embarrassed I died-- or at least I wanted to. Honestly, I'm really trying so hard not to spill the beans right now, and I feel so stupid doing so. HAHA. I mean, anyone whose anyone would seriously want to just shut up and die, but I guess I'm quite the opposite. Believe it or not, I have tried so hard to preserve my social dignity, to avoid being embarrassed too much, to keep it to myself but I just can't help it-- I tell all. For the most part, I have told a few of my friends about it, then it got more, and more, and now, it seems like I'm just going to have to tell the whole world about it. No, I'm not trying to be famous or anything (as if I'd get famous for writing about my unzipped fly), and I'm not trying to get sympathy either (it gets even worse when people sympathize) I'm just trying to let all this unexplained-mixed-emotion feeling out of my chest. Huh! *deep breaths*

                 So here goes (hello social suicide), I was supposed to wake up at 6:30 a.m. because my class starts at 7:30, so last night I set my alarm to that time-- 6:30 a.m. This morning, I woke up early just before my alarm was about to sound, but this time, this freakin' time I didn't bother to leave the bed (bad choice). The weather outside was cold, it was raining so hard and I just had to close my eyes again, and before I knew it, an hour has passed. When it finally dawned on me that I was late for my class I hurriedly scurried down to the bathroom and changed. I was almost ready for school (15 mins late) when another heavy rained poured and it was when I went outside that I realized the madness of the weather. It was raining so hard and so fast that the water level was rising. I could've missed class if I didn't have an exam I needed to take, what I meant to say was: it was a storm out there! You could just imagine the literal rivers of flood I had to cross on my way to school. But I had an exam and I was soaking wet when I entered the school grounds. Thank God the plate that I brought along with me wasn't or I'd be double-dead then.

                   I thought that was the last straw of my bad luck-- you know, getting soaked in the rain and being late for an exam I desperately needed to take-- but it wasn't. In reality my bad luck was just starting.  I was able to take the exam, but I was so late I only got to answer two items. By the way, our Natural Science teacher had a funny way of giving an exam. He only gave ten items but when we got around to check it the points were then multiplied by ten! A hundred items all in all. I thought it unfair because students had a lesser chance at passing since there were only ten questions and every point depended on those ten questions. But anyway, yeah, when that exam passed along with the heavy rain, what came next was a major shock-- the fly on my skirt was open, during the whole time I sat in class and even the time before that! And what was even worse was the fact that someone had to tell me or I wouldn't have known about it at all! Jeeezz. I take it worse than seeing a butt-crack! You could just imagine my face when they were all like: "Hey, you're fly's open." (But of course, this was delivered on a shocked but considerate tone) God, how I wanted to die right then and there! I wanted to melt away, or to disappear into thin air, I wanted to hide.

                    If my seatmate hadn't seen it and his girlfriend hadn't told me about it, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe hell would have opened up and gobbled me right then and there to prevent me from further humiliation, or maybe God would have covered me with His glory from the Adam and Eve story to prevent people from seeing how naked I was-- or how naked I felt I was. The horror of my dilemma. And when you thought I couldn't have suffered more damage, well I'm telling you that wasn't all that happened, there was more. Anyway, I haven't gotten over the "unzipped fly" thing when I went upstairs for my second class, but I figured life should go on. So given the circumstances that I cannot time travel to undo what has been done, I decided to just accept and move on with what has happened. And that's what I did, I went to our classroom, took a walk to the CR, then I took off my shoes (they were still soaking wet), then I tiptoed back to our classroom carrying my shoes. I know I should've brought slippers along with me, but I was too late for class to bother. And just when I was about to enter the room I stepped on something wet and I slipped, I fell flat on my butt on the cold, wet, floor and while they were all laughing I was thinking: Wow. What a day! My skirt was all wet with water and there were people around me laughing. For a moment there I felt like little-miss-clumsy-class-clown and then I laughed at myself, for being clumsy enough to have slipped without even knowing I was headed for that slip. I didn't feel the slightest "Kill me now" moment I had earlier that day because I seemed to have anticipated for that moment to happen given the long line of karma that has already befallen me. Hours later I was yet again headed for the worst of things: hyperacidity-- yeah, and that's when all the bad luck seemed to have combined into one major unfortunate event. It so happened that the hyperacidity was so painful and unbearable I had to ditch class which I never usually do with or without hyperacidity-- but this time I just couldn't tolerate the pain anymore so I went home.

                     I guess I should've been mad at all the things that happened, or I should've been frustrated for the bad day I had, but I wasn't. Yes, maybe I was a little frustrated at first because of the mega-humiliating fly problem, but aside from that I just feel fine. I don't know why, but amidst all that has happened today, despite all the bad luck I had, I'm still full of joy and I can still say God was with me. I know He was with me when it was raining hard and I wasn't thinking straight because I was rushing to go to class, I know He was with me when I was struggling to carry an umbrella and a 1/4 size illustration board amidst heavy pouring rain, I know He was with me when I took the shuttle ride, when I entered class, when I took the test, when I failed it, when my dilemma was discovered, when I slipped, and even when I went home because of hyperacidity-- I know He was with me through it all and He's still with me now. I'm not that spiritual as I may seem to be, but I believe in how God works and how He's true and faithful to those who believe in Him. So that's what happened, those were my series of unfortunate events and for the record, it doesn't really matter how long the list goes or how major or minor they are, it is on how you respond and react to those things that count. This has been one hell of a day, but this day didn't rob me of the joy I have inside, and that's all that matters :D Updates soon! Godbless!