a random realization

             There I was. Sensing the familiar feeling all over again like it just happened hours ago. The itch was just right, the cut sore, the emotions all too clear. Why?-- A question I had to force upon myself years ago, and at that very moment I was repeating it like it was some kind of line in a play and I was supposed to rehearse it. I knew I was foolish to get tangled up in this mess, I should have known better. But no, I just had to do it all over again didn't I? I just had to make myself trust and believe in something-- something I've been trying to avoid all these years. The irony of my life. One lesson, one mistake is just not that enough for me that I'd had to have a dozen more before I quit. And by then, my heart would be like crumpled thin paper with too much crease you just can't return it to the way it was before. I just had to sigh, let out a big breathless sigh. What is it that makes it hard for me to just learn from my mistakes and walk away? Why can't I simply do that? Why do I have to complicate my life further? The one who should be blamed for the hurt I felt, and the hurt I would soon be feeling soon, would be no one but my own self. Like a drug I crave for more, even if it kills me little by little, till I've got no breath left inside of me. I guess I realized just now that maybe the main reason behind me trying to avoid close relationships with other people and friends is because I'm afraid to be disappointed. I'm afraid that when I fully give my trust and loyalty they'd betray me in the end. Well, just look at what the cat brought in. Another one of those feeling betrayed moments. Like an innocent, ignorant toddler, I still trust the person who almost betrayed me twice. Worse is, he was one of my closest friends way back and he still is up to this day. He makes me believe, makes me trust, makes me dream but he's also the one making me regret I was human-- having all the feelings, emotions and all. It's not bad to feel, what's bad is having the wrong reasons for what I'm feeling. It makes me feel even more stupid than I am.


-- this is from two years ago if I'm not mistaken.