updates

                         It's been like forever! I missed the blank page, the unwritten words, the anticipation that tugged at me everytime I would be close to finishing one post. I've long been longing for that inspiration of some sort to flow right through me, and maybe push me to write even just one word, but it never came, instead I got preoccupied with the wrong things, at the wrong times. So much for being time wise.

                     In other news, I have a job! Yey! I was hired to write articles about the places I'm in, and have been to. It's actually my first, I've been writing all my life but I never get paid for the things I write. Now finally, not only do I get to do what I love, I also get paid doing it. It's not really something that huge, but it's big enough for me. Who would've thought that these random travels, and experiences would actually amount to something in the future? Not me-- never even thought of it in my dreams. God is just so good, always. And aside from the articles, I also get to contribute my own photos, plus I get to have credits for them. So yeah. That side of my life has been greener.

                       I have also been learning a lot from the Italian language! Thanks to Nessa and her mom, I've been attending the language class Nessa goes to-- her mom convinced me to go and paid for my enrollment, I couldn't refuse. Besides, I didn't have anything to do but stay in the house all day, and isolate myself. Grazie Zia Ana e Nessa! I've been learning how to make sentences, and I can understand the language more-- no more mouth-wide-open-staring-blankly episodes when people speak to me in Italian. Ha! Maybe if I get to stay until May, (hopefully, with fingers crossed) then I'd be able to actually speak Italian. We shall all wish for that, but for now, I will just have to enjoy the moment, and savor every minute of it.

                         Hmmm, what else? Oh yeah! I went to Verona and Venice! Yes, Verona and Venice! I just had to repeat it for lack of a better statement to follow the first one. And all that I can and will ever say is that IT WAS MAGICAL. Verona was fun, especially with the snow and all-- my first experience with snow and I had to wear non-snow boots, somebody slap me! Venice on the other hand, was, VENICE, straight out from the movies, in all it's romantic glory. When I first stepped out the train terminal, I just had to stop myself from "awwww-ing". But all those details will go to another post, because I can go on and on about how beautiful Verona and Venice was, but not this time, not on this post. Anyways, I wouldn't have been able to experience all of that, if not for a great friend Ate Jeyb, who went through all that trouble of convincing my inconvincible mom, and actually going out of her way to accompany me, thank you!

                           December has so far been so good to me. God put me in a church that is just starting to have their youth group, I have been offered to join in the ministry, and He placed me in the midst of people He knew I would need at this moment. I have been trying to survive lately, and by survive I mean literally survive. My mom's been planning to send me home-- by force. And honestly it has been driving me insane trying to argue with her on that because I simply do not want to leave just yet. I knew the moment I stepped foot in Rome that my mom was going to make me leave sooner, I just didn't know it'd be as soon as when I receive my permit to stay. Every other conversation we had, there would be moments where she would urge me to prepare myself because I would soon be leaving and it killed me everytime she would do that. I resorted to taking my own drastic measures-- I looked for a job-- just so I could fend for myself and not have my mom choking me in the throat just because I was her daughter. Yup, the rebel inside me was being raised to life again, but fortunately God found a way around it. What had been the result of my job hunt, was the church finding me, and offering me and my mom options just so I couldn't leave right away when the time comes, they wanted me to really enjoy my stay here so they offered me shelter. My mom and I haven't talked about it that much, but at least it's better now because I know I have options. See this is why I couldn't bring myself to write about anything. Glad I let that out of my chest now. God will forever be good. He is my best Christmas present.

                               Wishing you guys a wonderful, merry, christmas wherever you are! And oh, for a sneak peek here's a shot of the gondolas in Venice, hope you love it!

taken with a point-and-shoot

silent no more

                        I've been silent for quite some time now, in hopes that the silence would heal me-- but it never did. The more I allowed myself to be engrossed in deafening silence, the more I started to feel like I'm losing myself. I am fine now, well I'm trying to be at least. All the words left unsaid, partly said, or said without definite voice kept piling up into this huge garbage, that I someday fear would drown me. I have come to fear a lot of things, and one thing about me that family and friends know is that I am not a coward-- I do not bow down to any kind of fear, past, future or present, physical, nor emotional. I do not fear rejection, I do not fear my past mistakes, I do not fear the future, and I do not fear death. But now times have changed and I have come to fear everything all at once. The way I see it now, coming here to Rome was a huge mistake, the biggest I've ever made so far. A mistake that I'd have to live with for the rest of my life. But things happen just like that, and no matter how unclear the purpose is to me, I believe my God is busy working behind the scenes, doing His best to make everything work together for my good, and my family's. I may be at my weakest right now, but one day when all of this is over and done, I will arise stronger and braver. I will be back to normal, having the strong, smart, loving, understanding, and jolly self that I once had,  filled with joy and peace overflowing from the inside to the outside. So thank you, to the people who stood, and are still standing for, by, and with me, who believes in me, who cares for me, and who prays for me. Indeed in life there are no battles won alone.

random cold days

                   We just changed our daylight saving time yesterday and we deducted an hour from the time. So that leaves another hour to add to the timezone gap between Rome and the Philippines. Actually as I researched it says the actual daylight saving was on March and it ended yesterday, anyways I don't really get it, and all I know is that the 6-hour difference between Philippine time and Rome time is now a 7-hour interval. Along with the time change came the weather change, everything was cold, gray, and pre-wintery yesterday. I don't know about you but one layer of undershirt, coupled with two layers of thick wool plus scarf is actually heavy, not to mention the layer of stocking, leggings, and socks that I had on that day-- but all of those layers seemed pretty foolish to the gnawing cold that would slap you when you step outside the house. I don't even know why I still felt the ice-cold wind down to my bones, when I was actually wearing more layers than usual. Now I understand why people rarely bathe here and that is not an understatement-- it is so effin cold. Well of course with the heater on I guess it's not that cold, it's even hotter, but we haven't had our heaters turned on yet, they say it's a thing done by the management of the apartment we are living in and usually it happens on the second week of November. So I guess I'll just have to wait for that day. Moving on to other news, it's been a month since I stepped foot on Rome, and needless to say I'm proud I actually made it this long-- ugh, has it really been just a month? Because I feel like it's been months, and it's been dragging, and it's taking way too long for my papers to move. Two days ago I made the boldest decision of my life, to face someone I was not prepared to face, and let me just say it was a complete and utter disaster. After that, I realized some things which will probably act as main factors as to how I shall live my life from now on. But, on the bigger and most important note, I was deeply hurt by the insincerity I saw in the person's eyes. The person so close to me, I realized is dead, and is replaced by someone I don't know anymore. I tried to fight for the person with all of my will, with all of my heart, only to be disappointed at the end because the person I thought I was fighting for, is long gone. And it's useless trying to reach out and even trying other crazy, desperate measures  to save someone dear to you because sometimes, there is just nothing you can do about it anymore. I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm just plain exhausted. Who would want to continually fight for someone who isn't even there? It's completely absurd, but what's even more absurd is the situation I am in right now. I try to close my eyes, hurt myself, and even convince myself that it's all just a bad dream, but unfortunately how can you wake those who are already wide awake? The irony of my life! My friends were right, all my life I've been living in a cave, isolated by my own principles, by my own cautions, that when the time came for me to see and experience the world for real I could barely stand up on my own two feet because of the trauma that I've experienced. The world is not something I should stay away from, it's something I now believe, I should experience firsthand. All this caution and this belief that I don't need to do what other people do, has made me so secluded, so innocent, and so vulnerable. So now, I will live my life, I will try new things, I will step outside the box you made me live in for years, and you will regret the day you ever made me see the world for real, the day you traded me for cheap love-- because that day, you lost me completely. I will love, I will get hurt, I will fight. I will not be afraid to fall in love anymore, who cares if he will be my first boyfriend ever-- I don't give a damn, not now, not in the future. Nineteen years wasted on principles that never helped me in my time of desperation, and desertion. I won't be a coward, I will be whoever I want to be, do whatever I want to do, and I won't think of future regrets, because I will only get to live my life once. Before I didn't favor the You-Only-Live-Once lifestyle that everybody else is raving about, but after seeing the world and how cruel it really is, I realized that I only have one life, and it would be such a waste to not use every strand of that life to its full potential. Therefore thank you because you opened up my eyes to every heart-breaking, life-tearing, truth-- you will forever be remembered as the one who took away my very soul. I forgive you for your humanity and your weaknesses, but it will never be the same, none of it will ever be the same again.

instincts

                      We all have our share of intuitive human instincts and most of the time we just follow these sort of "feeling guides" in the things we do-- I've been doing just that the past few months, and I thank God I did. You know when you wake up and you're supposed to do something important but instead you feel lazy and you just sleep in till noon and not do anything at all, well I'm not so sure as to whether or not laziness is part of our instincts but I'm pretty sure it has done wonders with the timing of things taking place in my life. I'm usually this person who doesn't move a muscle when I don't feel like doing whatever I'm supposed to be doing. I just wait for the moment when I feel like it, and most of the time everything just falls into place-- no delays, no disappointment, I succeed at achieving what I'm supposed to do that day. There have been times that I don't really feel like it but I do it anyway and at the end of the day I just get frustrated with the results and statistics. So now I'm kinda in this lifestyle where I don't necessarily depend on my emotions but on my instincts-- that feeling deep inside and I find it very helpful and I just wanted to share that maybe there will be days when you don't really want to get up, days when you won't really feel inspired to do anything at all, days when you would just want to lay in bed the whole day and succumb to the comfortable sheets-- then do. We all need a break at some point in time, and when your instincts tell you that you should have one, feel free to do so. It wouldn't hurt, not one bit, because the next day everything will just fall into place, well at least mine do.

sun sets

                 My ideal scene of a sunset would have to be, me with the man I will forever love by my side, watching the sun go down the dark mountains. And we would just stand there staring at it all with no need for words. The empty space filled with the overwhelming light would just captivate our very soul and deep inside we'd be thankful for that very moment that we were able to watch the sun go down together, hand in hand, and side by side-- just like the movies. Yup. I know, I am indeed a sucker for romance. I guess you're like that when you haven't been in a relationship yet and you think to yourself fairytales can happen, and happy ever after still exists, or would exist when it comes your way. I would never know, but I am hopeful. Well at least I'm not in a hurry to meet my Knight in Shining Armor or have my share of happily ever after, the perfect love takes time after all-- or so I think. Well since I haven't had my perfect sunset yet, here's my almost perfect sunset that I took to memory when I went to the country side, it was just me and my camera, together forever like lovers feeling the pull of the warm, cozy setting of the sun.

                 Who ever said that life couldn't get any more beautiful? This in fact proves them wrong, because life indeed is still so beautiful no matter the circumstance, no matter the person you are with, no matter the distance, and no matter the pain. 

sheer bliss

                          Like the lyrics to the song "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum, these are my picture-perfect memories which are scattered all around the floor. When you feel those memories are there but you still question yourself if they were real because last time you checked you were far from ever grasping them-- just like that one great love you thought you could let go-- and you question your heart if it really did happen, if you have really let go, because it's not happening any second now, nor any second after that. And you just wish life didn't have this funny way of saving frozen moments in your mind like photographs you hold in your hand, because the instant your eyes see the picture that moment becomes real and even for just a split-second it becomes alive in you.

                      Anyway enough of this love drama, I was away for a month and I just want to say I missed the internet! Although the internet could never compensate for my sheer bliss while I was away in the countryside, still I'd say I'm glad to be back here writing again. At least I took my journey with me and turned it into something that I could share with everyone and not just myself. There are so many good memories to choose from and I'm just taken aback by the good, therapeutic, stress-relieving vibes I got when I stayed there in complete isolation from the city. Country life has never been this great. I realized the contentment of one person varies from another because I have never felt so much contentment in my life until now. Country life makes you happy with what you have, and it makes you settle for what you have. Of course, on a larger note, only dumb people would settle for less, but I'd rather be happy with what I have now than gaining more and still not being happy. I guess I'm the type of person who values inner peace more than luxury things because I found the life I lived for a month so comfortable than my life here in the city. No telephone, no internet, no malls, no refrigerator, no cable, and sometimes no water, but I felt happy and I felt complete. If only everyone feels the way I do, then no one has to go and leave their family because everyone would be content with what they have, but then the world just doesn't work that way does it? There would always be a lack to almost anything and everything. And everyone needs to have this and that more than anything else. I believe God put me up there for a purpose, and maybe that purpose was to discover that I can be happy with small things too, that I can go back, look the past in the eye and not run away anymore, that I can enjoy the little things life offers me because I have gotten way ahead of myself in the past months, and I needed serious briefing.

a random realization

             There I was. Sensing the familiar feeling all over again like it just happened hours ago. The itch was just right, the cut sore, the emotions all too clear. Why?-- A question I had to force upon myself years ago, and at that very moment I was repeating it like it was some kind of line in a play and I was supposed to rehearse it. I knew I was foolish to get tangled up in this mess, I should have known better. But no, I just had to do it all over again didn't I? I just had to make myself trust and believe in something-- something I've been trying to avoid all these years. The irony of my life. One lesson, one mistake is just not that enough for me that I'd had to have a dozen more before I quit. And by then, my heart would be like crumpled thin paper with too much crease you just can't return it to the way it was before. I just had to sigh, let out a big breathless sigh. What is it that makes it hard for me to just learn from my mistakes and walk away? Why can't I simply do that? Why do I have to complicate my life further? The one who should be blamed for the hurt I felt, and the hurt I would soon be feeling soon, would be no one but my own self. Like a drug I crave for more, even if it kills me little by little, till I've got no breath left inside of me. I guess I realized just now that maybe the main reason behind me trying to avoid close relationships with other people and friends is because I'm afraid to be disappointed. I'm afraid that when I fully give my trust and loyalty they'd betray me in the end. Well, just look at what the cat brought in. Another one of those feeling betrayed moments. Like an innocent, ignorant toddler, I still trust the person who almost betrayed me twice. Worse is, he was one of my closest friends way back and he still is up to this day. He makes me believe, makes me trust, makes me dream but he's also the one making me regret I was human-- having all the feelings, emotions and all. It's not bad to feel, what's bad is having the wrong reasons for what I'm feeling. It makes me feel even more stupid than I am.


-- this is from two years ago if I'm not mistaken.

loneliness on impulse

        I felt alone. For the first time in two years, I felt alone. Yes, the laughter and jokes I shared with my friends couldn't even contain the fact that I was indeed feeling deserted and I didn't know why. Was it because I wasn't given enough attention by my friends? Of course not, they always, always give me more than enough of their attention. If that's not the case then, what is? Am I feeling so alone because I don't have a boyfriend or a special someone to share my feelings with? Well, the answer would have to be no. Of course there were times that I wished to have someone to share my life with but that's not the reason. I lived my whole life without a boyfriend by my side what makes it any different today? Is being too far away from home that much of a drama that it could cause a certain depth of loneliness in you? I don't think so. Honestly, I have no idea as to why I'm feeling lonely and deserted and all the more sad. I didn't do anything that could trigger that much sadness. And as far as I'm concerned, no one has ever hurt me for the past two years that would result in my melancholic behavior. Fuck. That's just it. I'm lost. Really lost. I don't know why this is happening to me, I haven't got a clue. And please, would you stop that already Mr. I'm so alone right now?! Go fuck up somebody else! You're ruining my beautiful life! I'm not supposed to feel this way, I'm not supposed to be sad! NO ONE DIED! Get it? NO ONE! So that doesn't give me the right to be sad or to shed a tear. And you're here pestering my so happy life, trying to make me feel alone. Well guess what? It's taking effect, I AM FEELING ALONE! Are you happy now? Could you just stop it already? Cause we both know I've had enough >.<

-- this post seems way off its embarrassing. But I'm entertained, and I wonder how I could've written something like this.

the irony of life

                     People never seem to be content with whatever they have. The irony of life. The poor wants to be rich, and the rich still wants to be multi gazillionaires. I don't get the point. Why are there still people who want to have more despite the abundance they're already experiencing first hand? Just a moment ago I was riding a jeepney on my way home from the downtown area of Cebu. I had to purchase fur clothing from a cheaper store for a school play, although the price did cost me a week's allowance, still it was cheaper compared to the doubled up prices of other stores. So there I was, riding a jeepney, thinking of the so many things I could have bought with the money I just spent a few moments earlier. I thought to myself of the pumps I could have purchased at a cheaper price, or a nice dress perhaps. While thinking of those things, an old woman carrying a half empty bucket of fish suddenly stepped inside the jeepney and sat next to me. Oh the horror! The odor of the fish made me want to puke. It was as if I was inhaling the shit, which I was by the way. The situation was beginning to suffocate me, when a sudden thought went through my mind --- Jesus. What would Jesus have done? What would he have felt if an old woman carrying smelly fish sat next to him? Would He be disgusted like I was, or would He have felt mercy? Right then I was embarrassed by what I felt. I was being a hypocrite. Sharing the good news and all to my friends,  trying to be a good testimony to others. When in fact I cringe at the thought of having a fish vendor for a seatmate on a jeepney ride home. Then I began to feel ashamed and began to apologize to God. I had no right to judge, I was even blessed with a good life. But look at the life I was living. I always complain. I complain when I don't like the food on the table, I complain about my allowance, I complain that life is unfair, that I was not living the life I deserved, I complain on almost everything life has to offer me. And there she was, a woman whose very old, past her retirement age even, carrying a small half-empty bucket of fish riding a jeepney home on a rush hour-- which is not common for every grandma. My grandmother, a bit younger than her, only stayed at home and watched TV, she would order the maid every now and then if she needed something, everyday she was busy in her little sari-sari store which helped her make an income aside from the pension she receives on her own and her late husbands' pension. Then there were other grandmas who would go to a salon twice a month for their appointments, who would go shopping at heart's desire. There were those grandmas and there was her-- the old, hardworking, tired lady who wakes up early in the morning everyday to sell small fish at the market and go home at night earning half the usual.

-- Another post from two years ago.

from my journal

                                I have come to realize that with life, somehow,  there will always be that one particular person, who will replay the nostalgic-bitter-drama-of-my-yesterday and turn it into something more present, something that is now, someone whose at hand with the current timing, someone who will make me remember the past without the pain, that once-bitter-past that's now looking unto the future with a smile in the face, and when that person shows up, I'll learn to accept the good in the bad, the itch in the pain, and the was in the past. I'll understand the essence of letting go, then moving on-- that there is indeed genuine happiness even with a different face, different time, different place, different circumstance, and a different story. The only one thing that I can't bear to think is: He'll have the same realization with someone else who is not me.